Good bye, Lie

Today is New Year's Eve, and so it's fitting to write this at this moment. A few days before Christmas, I learned the harsh and painful truth that what I was in love with was a pure lie. His touch, his glance into my eyes, his empty promise to stay true to me forever -they were all lies. I think of our wedding day and the pain seems both real and surreal -knowing he never intended or meant the words "I Do". It was just part of the sick, twisted and cruel game he played. I was the fool who so lovingly and willingly played, and now know I was never the prize. I would never win. There would only ever be loss for me. What makes a man use a woman like that? I was his pawn ...his trade-in until the next woman came along. Our wedding night, him playing his guitar, him telling me I was beautiful in the soaking pools, his arms cradling me in the water -it was all a lie.
I never imagined that I would marry a con-man. That isn't exactly a girl's dream to one day marry someone who would break her heart and cause destruction at every turn. A man like that has no conscience. A man like that has no thought for anyone or anything but himself. Heaven help him. Heaven, open up his eyes to see the darkness of who he is and what he does to vulnerable women who just desire to be loved and cherished like all women do. The tears -the thousands of tears on my pillowcase, and my knees that were sore from kneeling in prayer for a marriage that didn't even exist. Heaven deal with him. I just hope he doesn't hurt another one. I almost gave up my life because of him. Carrie Underwood has it right when she sings the song- Cowboy Casanova:

You better take it from me,

That boy is like a disease

You’re running, you’re tired, you’re trying to hide

And you’re wondering why you can’t get free

He’s like a curse he’s like a drug.

You get addicted to his love.

You wanna get out but he’s holding you down ‘Cause you can’t live without one more touch.

Chorus:

He’s a good time cowboy Casanova; leaning up against the record machine

He looks like a cool drink of water but he’s candy coated misery

He’s the devil in disguise, a snake with blue eyes and he only comes out at night

Gives you feelings that you don’t wanna fight

You better run for your life

I see that look on your face, you ain’t hearing what I say

So I’ll say it again ‘cause I’ve been where you’ve been and I know how it ends, you can’t get away

Don’t even look in his eyes, he’ll tell you nothing but lies

And you wanna believe, but you won’t be deceived if you listen to me and take my advice

Chorus:

He’s a good time cowboy Casanova; leaning up against the record machine

He looks like a cool drink of water but he’s candy coated misery

He’s the devil in disguise, a snake with blue eyes and he only comes out at night

Gives you feelings that you don’t wanna fight

You better run for your life

Run, run, run away don’t let him mess with your mind

He’ll tell you anything you wanna hear

He’ll break your heart it’s just a matter of time

But just remember-

Chorus:

He’s a good time cowboy Casanova leaning up against the record machine

He looks like a cool drink of water but he’s candy coated misery

He’s the devil in disguise, a snake with blue eyes and he only comes out at night

Gives you feelings that you don’t wanna fight

You better run for your life

Oh you better run for your life,

Oh you better run for your life.

Thank God I found out the truth. Here I was a "free" bird and never even knew it. May I fly high and soar above all this, the cage that kept me a prisoner. I am free! Now every time I start to feel like I miss him, I'll just remind myself that it wasn't real. His love, his words, his touch, his conversations -they were all lies. You can't really love a lie now, can you?

The Ramblings Of A Woman's Heart

I woke up with a kaleidoscope of thoughts and feelings and epiphanies this morning. My heart is always evolving...swelling with new treasures and insights that I am constantly absorbing. May I never be boring, because the layers of my heart are long and deep. Someone just needs to dive in and search them out.
I have found that if someone loves you, they just do. There is no earning, no begging, no twisting an arm. They will love you regardless of what you do or say. I have found that when love is in my heart, it sticks -it stays. No matter what life's problems throw my way. Love follows you like an eager puppy dog nipping at your heels. Love doesn't forget. Its imprint is on the heart forever. When you have truly loved someone, it also aches when they're gone. The absence of a soul mate (your other half) also causes us to cry in the moments when we realize they're not here to share in it. Love has a memory like an elephant. It just doesn't forget no matter how hard you try to erase it. You can keep busy and distract yourself, but it inevitably creeps up at the oddest times and moments, and haunts you when you least expect it.
Love is also so amazing, so mysterious (and a bit of confusing too). Wouldn't it be so great if men and women knew what each other wanted or needed? From a female view, this is what we really want: A woman loves to feel alive and be savored. She loves to feel she is your world, and she loves to make your world a brighter place. It's easy for a woman to adore you when she feels safe, cherished and secure. We are wired this way. Do you want to know if a woman loves you? Look at her eyes. Do they dance or sparkle when she sees your face? Does she touch you slowly and meaningfully? A woman's eyes can tell you what is in her heart. Her sparkle and glow may have diminished or faded if she doesn't feel loved or secure. If you've stopped looking at her then maybe you should start to again. We know if you look at us or not. Your words can cruelly fall empty to our ears if you don't take time to really look at us. Do you miss the moments of crazy romantic notions, dancing in the street, or burning passionate kisses? Look at us and take the time to go past the everyday surface things. We're more than the pile of dirty dishes or a burnt dinner. We're more than the 6 lbs we gained during the winter, or the complaints and mood swings we can't seem to help, but let out during our hormone fluctuations.
A man who traces our tears with his fingers and holds us as long as it takes for the tears to dry, knows the secret of how to fuel the fire. WE don't really care if you're perfect. In fact, we admire the man who can admit he is weak and has failures. What makes us love you more is how you love us. If you know how to really cherish us -savor, enjoy and appreciate the little things about us and what we do, we will respond. Most women will not leave a man who cherishes her. Give her security and you have found the jackpot. One way is: Love her body and let her know often. Yes, often. We need to be told we're beautiful and sexy and are what you dream of. We don't tire of hearing it, and we know you mean it by your actions. Sometimes the most mundane little thing you do will mean the world to us, just because you simply remembered. A woman will completely open up and be an amazing lover if she feels you want her and only her and you make her feel beautiful. We will let go of our insecurities and grab hold of the moment if we feel secure and that we're enough for you. Take the time. Great moments take time. Is what you want valuable? Then show us -show us we're valuable to you. So simple, but so often not given. Do you want to make us feel important to you? Then show your support and interest in our dreams and pursuits. Show us you desire to make what's important to us important to you, even if it's of little interest to you. Notice that we will gladly play boring golf or some video game if we know it makes you happy. Allow us to make mistakes and not always be perfect. Forgive us when we accidentally disappoint you or let you down. Love forgives and keeps no record of wrongs. No one is perfect. Don't point out our flaws, we already know them. We beat ourselves up for them. Instead, appreciate our good qualities and what we do right.
A woman's heart can be exciting to discover, but you have to be willing to experience the adventure. You haven't danced in a while? Maybe you haven't heard the music of our hearts...listen to the beat.

My love is like a blanket.

My mind tells me many things, but my heart tells me differently. I just don't trust my mind or heart, because I have just been too hurt. Heaven help me.

This line from a song struck me...

My love is like a blanket

that gets a little bit too warm sometimes

I wanna wrap somebody in it

Who can hold me in his arms

'Cause when it got a little too hot in there

He was always stepping out for air and he froze

Oh he froze....(apologies)

I saw these lyrics and thought, "It's so ironic, because the words seem to fit my life. I seem to love like a blanket. Maybe I love so much I just smother, when all I really want is to love and be loved. So simple, but so difficult for me.

Mind and heart

It's been a while since I have written anything. Mostly because I just didn't want to face what I feel in my heart. Numbness would be so much easier. Make me numb and let me coast on by. It's been a long battle of praying, crying and trying to forget everything, but the insidious problem I have is that I have discovered that the heart has it's own memory -even more so than the tedious mind. I can tell it not to care or love, but it just won't relent...won't stop nagging me of the future. Have you ever been to your future before it was time? It can be frustrating to know what's ahead, It's like being a child on Christmas morning. You know the joy that's coming in the light of dawn. If we could just get past this dark patch...This confusing foggy night that's been so long. Why are we wandering so long? Why can't the mist lift and tears be wiped away for good? Why more tears? I turn around and he's not there...he's not there, and why? Why does the scent of him linger in the air at a time when I'm trying so hard to forget and let go like he has. I'm just a faded memory. Tick tock...there's an angel on my shoulder, and it's haunting me tonight. No matter where existence takes me, I'm always reminded of the emptiness of his absence, him not being there beside me.
He is gone, so why won't my mind stop harassing me? Why can't this heart forget? There are times I know that he's not okay. I feel it, sense it. My heart aches because I can't comfort his restlessness or rub my fingers through his hair and soothe his fears, but the reality is, he doesn't want me to be there for him.
Holidays...ugh. It's so hard when you see yourself without your loved one during beautiful moments. You turn, expecting them to be there, but all you see is an empty space beside you, all you hear is silence, and a harsh cold reality overtakes you that they aren't there with you to share life's adventures. Maybe since my heart has the memory of an elephant I should exchange it. Can I have a new one? This one seems to be flawed.

You Are A Precious Treasure

God loves you. No matter what your husband or any other man says to you, you are valued. You are treasured, you are God's precious gem and the apple of His eye. Your value is not based on a man's approval, but on the very fact that God made you unique and just the way you are. He cares about your pain and heartache. He collects your tears in His bottle and records each and every one of them. He loves you so much that while you are sleeping He strokes your head and He knows exactly how many hairs are on it. I know you may feel a mess right now- tired, broken, and scared, but He promises that He is with you and He will never leave you. He will take your wounded heart and bind it up in His love and heal it. It will take time, but let Him. If you trust Him, He will take the ashes of your disappointments and pain and He will turn them into a pile of His treasures and make you shine again. Let Him kiss your tears away. It's going to be ok. You are worth infinitely more than all the diamonds and rubies in the entire world!

Now Is The Time (A Spontaneous Song)

Now is the time

Time for rejoicing

Time for the sorrows and pain to fade away

All that is left is His radiant beauty

Shining down upon your face

All that was promised has come to pass

The tears that are falling

Are of gladness and joy

Now is the time

Now is the season

of nothing wanting or lacking

Time to be dancing

Twirling around in His favor and grace

Now is the time

the weight you were carrying

Has been lifted with His peace

Now is the time

to forget what is old

as now has come the new

Take off your garments of sadness

and wear new robes of Joy

You eat at the King's table

There is new wine and new oil

Your enemies are defeated

Those who spoke against you

now have to bless your name

Now is the time the season has changed

What was is no more

All that you have is new

and better than before

Now is the time

Time to sing a new song

Time to bless and give

to others and help them along the way

Time to be in the King's chamber

being close and dancing with Him

He kisses your forehead

and places a ring on your hand

You are His

Now is the time

for the golden rain to be falling

the season has changed

Rejoice and dance in it

It's falling-

the golden rain is falling

His grace and favor are falling

Soak it all in

Now is the time

the tears of sorrow and pain

are but a distant memory

What was against you

is now defeated

What was lost is now being found

What was stolen

is now being returned

better and paid double

The things held over you

Are now being cancelled

Your debts are cleared away

This is your time

this is your season

All that was promised has come your way

Liquid Golden Rain

Liquid Gold, Rain Down:

Our tears have been many, falling in a our secret place where we meet with You. They soaked upon our pillows, they fell at our feet. They fell when we could barely whisper Your name, Jesus. They fell silent in the shower as the water rushed over the weariness of the day. They fell down when we gave up in surrender, but these tears were not forgotten to your memory, Sovereign Lord, for Your memory is eternal, and You have captured them in Your bottles -each and every single one. They are like jewels. They have been kept in your sacred pavilion, and just as the melted snows of the mountains fall into the rivers, lakes and streams and evaporate into the heavens, returning as rains to nourish the flowers and the fields, so are these tears we've cried. They fall down as liquid golden rain, Your sweet presence, Your double Grace, Your intoxicating perfumed oil, Your golden iridescent lights glimmer off your daughters' faces and, oh, do we rejoice and dance in the rain: the former and the latter rains of Your glory and honor and strength! Our hands are lifted to You. Our faces glow in the rain of Your favor. Your golden rain soaks us until nothing but You is seen or heard. We twirl and dance and leap in liquid light of Your freedom, for Your promise has been that mourning will last for the night, but your joy comes in the morning. Your liquid rain washes away the traces of yesterday's pains and disappointments. Heaven's rains turn into floods of His living waters. We swim in this golden sea. We are drowned and captivated and swept away of His love.

No Matter What

I woke up this morning feeling like the weather outside was trying to overtake me. I feel like I'm stuck in a misty fog and I can't see where I am going, and even worse, what I am doing -but I refuse to give up. These emotions of fear and unbelief, despair and confusion, just seem to be swirling about me. I feel like I'm blindfolded. But I say,"NO!" Even if I have to stand in this fog blindly, I refuse to budge in my stand for what I am believing in. My house, for D to get better, be healed and set free, and happy marriage. I may feel like a fool. I may seem stupid in the eyes of the enemy, but who cares anyway?
Psalm 23:5 says, "You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows." I don't care. I say to my future, "My Lord is faithful. I declare and decree His faithfulness and goodness. Blessed be the name of the LORD!"
Psalm 33:4 "For the word of the LORD is right and true; He is faithful in all He does."

I refuse to cave in to the taunting of the enemy's lies that say, "You should give up, because it will never happen." I refuse to bow down to the fear and unbelief that keep trying to interfere with what Poppa God is doing. I may not see with my earthly eyes, physical touch,or emotional feelings that anything is changing, but His word is faithful and true. Deuteronomy 7:9 "Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; He is the faithful God, keeping His covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love Him and keep His commandments."

I speak to the mountain in front of me, and praise my Father God even if I don't see it moving.
NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE. I WILL BELIEVE. I WILL KEEP TRUSTING. Even if I feel blinded, cold, tired and afraid, I will trust in you, Lord. Even if nothing seems to be getting better, even if my circumstances seem so stubborn. Even if others around me don't have my faith or vision, it's okay. This is not their fight, It's mine. Mine and the Lord's. I will yet praise Him, my God and my King.
I STAND ON THE RUBBLE OF MY ENEMIES. I STAND ON THE PILE OF LIES, FEARS, TEARS, AND BROKENNESS. I stand in my faith, and I am strong and mighty in the Power of my Lord. Exodus 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.”

One day this fog will lift, and I KNOW I will feel HIS grace and light shining upon my face again. There is a reward for those who diligently seek Him. There is a reward for those who are faithful. The sun is going to come up...I know it. His SON is shining on the horizon of these temporary circumstances. JOY is coming again. Until then I will keep on believing and keep on clinging to His Name and Word.

His Cup and His Bread

I was on my knees at the foot of my bed talking to Poppa GOD about what I could do concerning my marriage and the situation.

"Is there anything I can do? Please show me, Lord." The answer came so quickly, so simply. I knew beyond a doubt that I recieved a direct answer. "Have Communion". I heard Him say to my spirit.
I said, "wow, Ok." I have to chuckle about that, but in that moment it clearly was a direction for me to go, so I went and got some italian bread that I happened to have on hand, and I poured some red wine. I got down on my knees in the place where I have met and prayed and cried out my tears to Poppa. To me it's a "Holy" place. Any place that you meet with JESUS regularly is a special place. I opened my Bible and tried to find the scriptures where Jesus had the last supper with His deciples before He was taken to be cruicifed, to be whipped and to be broken for us.

This is that passage:
Luke 22:17-20
17 After taking the cup, He gave thanks and said, “Take this and divide it among you. 18 For I tell you I will not drink again from the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes.”

19 And He took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.”

20 In the same way, after the supper He took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you.[a]

And also:

from Matthew 26:26-29

26 While they were eating, Jesus took bread, and when He had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to His disciples, saying, “Take and eat; this is my body.”

27 Then He took a cup, and when He had given thanks, He gave it to them, saying, “Drink from it, all of you. 28 This is my blood of the[b] covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. 29 I tell you, I will not drink from this fruit of the vine from now on until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father’s kingdom.”

I asked the Lord for the forgiveness of my sins andshort comings, my faults and any areas in which I have been at fault in my life and marriage. I remembered that the stripes that JESUS took upon His back were for my redemption, my healing...OUR HEALING. In MARRIAGE WE'RE "ONE", so on behalf of my husband, I went before Poppa in Worship. I firmly and truly believe that when we recieve communion we are recognizing and honoring what JESUS did for us. His blood, His broken heart and body, His rejection -everything He took upon Himself that day for us. That we can be made whole, be restored, be made new. This pleases Him and honors Him.

I believe one of the stripes was for the brokenhearted. He had a broken heart for us. He knows the tears we cry and the pain that engulfs us.
Psalm 147:3 says "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

As I took a drink of the wine to my lips, I thanked him for the healing and redemption that is for me and my husband. "I receive ALL the benefits of the cross and resurrection that you did for me and for us, Poppa".

I prayed specifically for the areas where my husband needs healing: depression, anger, hurt, pain, insomnia, etc., and anything that would hinder him from moving forward in all That the Lord has in store for his future. I believe that Poppa considers a marriage covenant as "Holy" and precious, so I put our wedding certificate at my feet and laid my hands upon it as I prayed and said "remember"....

I also took the bread and broke it and thanked Poppa for what He did. That His body was broken and bruised for our iniquities. This was for me and my husband. I cannot tell you how beautiful this moment of worship was to me. His presence was in the room. I felt a great peace settle over me. I have been doing this communion with Poppa for 8 days now. I can say that this time has been very special. Today is the anniversary of when Poppa took me to the heavenlies...to where I saw Him face to face. I remember Him telling me about worship and my husband. He said, "You are ONE, You worship together in spirit and in TRUTH." Those words have stuck with me since, so even though my husband isn't with me, we are still together bound in a covenant before OUR Father in Heaven. I sometimes can feel what he is feeling and sense when something isn't right. During those times, I pray hard for him as wife should do.

We are the BRIDE OF CHRIST. MARRIAGE is a symbol of CHRIST's love for the church. He even instructs for husbands to love their wives like He Himself did. Ephesians 5:25 says,"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." This how much He values marriage: His own name is on it.

For those who are struggling in your marriage, I ask that you take the time to get away and have communion with the Lord. If your spouse is willing, do it together. If not, just be open and have a heart to please our LORD. HE is with you. He loves to spend time with you. It pleases Him.

Guitar Strings

Every time I see a Taylor guitar I think of him. When my ears hear acoustic, I feel him. His hands strumming and the strings he plays are my heart. The notes are hypnotic. My throat longs to sing out and make a melody with him. Before he came to get all his belongings, I prayed. I layed hands on his guitar and anointed it with oil. Because I know and I feel he has purpose and he has destiny that has been waiting for him to let go and surrender to it.
It's been so hard. I feel I got lost in the fog that's thick like in London. I felt like I was reaching out and grasping in the silence, turning every which way as I strain to hear his music. His heartbeat is my music. I guess when you become one with someone, you know what they are feeling. You sense when they are having a rough day or if they are hurting, even if you're apart. He played for me on our wedding night. I could tell he was nervous, which was kinda cute. I remember when we were in the soaking pool at the hotel we stayed at -him holding me in his arms and telling me how beautiful I was over and over again. I wish, I wish I could go back in time with him to that night. I would tell him, "Please, no matter what, don't give up on us, no matter how dark it might seem, because I promise you -I promise you, I will be with you by your side -even in the dark, baby." I would sing to him in the lonely darkness...sing him out of his pit. Maybe he could find his way again. My eyes are blurred with tears even now thinking of him.
I believe we would have made beautiful music together if we both would just let go, it would have been genuinely heavenly, because lyrically I flow easily, and he masters arrangement. We both play and sing what we feel, so it would have been explosive, but most importantly, we both know how to get immersed and totally lost in worship with Poppa. That's one thing we have thats not forgettable, nor ever something that could be denied. Maybe sometime when I'm lost in worship I will bump into him again, when his heart is healed and he's engulfed by and surrendered to Poppa. If not, then his music haunts me and I know my voice lingers in his heart and head, because Rachel always has Jacob forever with her.

"I always love you. I always will."

Psalm 149:3
Let them praise his name with dancing and make music to him with timbrel and harp.
Ecclesiastes 4:12
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Hope Rising on the Horizon

Hebrews 11: 1

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."

I woke up this morning with a feeling something was finally changing, with the assurance that Poppa God has His hand moving upon the situation concerning my life and purpose. I have to admit, I honestly feel that for the past several weeks it has felt like I've been staggering and stumbling around completely in the dark,  not knowing what to do with this fragile and very tender-feeling heart of mine. My prayers have been,"Direct my heart, direct my desires and my will -my relationships. I don't trust my own, Poppa. Please cover me in your grace and protect me."

I haven't heard from my wayward husband in a long time, and I have wondered if he was dead or alive. I also wasn't sure which path to take anymore. So many of the wives have been faithfully and consistently praying and believing for their marriages to be restored, healed and made new. I honor them for their amazing courage and strength -persevering through the dark. Some not hearing from their beloveds for weeks, and some even months. What agony, because I know that for me, every day without him has been sheer agony, and I have shed rivers of tears and have even felt the earth beneath me become very heavy mud from my emotions and pain. It has been like thick sludge trying to forcefully keep myself moving forward, my legs of courage, weak with despair, trying to slow me down.
When I started this ministry I felt a huge commitment and responsibility that I must stand beside these wives and ferevently pray for their families to be touched, healed, and influenced by Poppa's amazing sweet love. I see the anointing of His fragrant, warm oil dripping and being poured out upon these brave women, their precious husbands and families. I see the hope and faith of happiness and beauty coming in the future for them -that even in this dark night of their soul, there is light -His LIGHT breaking through their forests of doubt and fears, abandonment and tears. Its branches are hellishly dark, and the shadows entangle, as though trying to grab you and pull you captive, away from belief, but these branches and shadows are just scary illusions. They are fears trying to convince us that things won't change, or that there's no hope. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. It's so incredibly and blatantly true, but there is HOPE. THERE IS TRUE LOVE. THERE IS FAITH.
( 1 Corinthians 13:13
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.)
The streaks of pink, red, orange and golden purple haze are and have been rising in the distance. I see the pure beauty of these beautiful women's hearts and their steadfast love for the ones who have hurt them, rejected them and abandoned them (some even in favor of another woman). I cry for them now. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I am writing this, because if only their husbands could see the selfless love and sacrifice  -pure love, true love, Agape love. No man in his right mind would want to escape this kind of love. Sadly, they are lost and blinded by their foolishness, pride, self doubt, and fears.
Colossians 1:5
the faith and love that spring from the hope stored up for you in heaven and about which you have already heard in the true message of the gospel.
1 Thessalonians 1:3
We remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.
1 Thessalonians 5:8
But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet.
I came across a song two days ago. The lyrics and tune have gripped me like a vice around my heart. Music has always been a way Poppa speaks with me. Music is truly my heartbeat. If I could sing every word I say, I probably would...lol.

When I say I Do:
Matthew West

There must be a God, I believe its true.
Cause I can see His love, when I look at you.
And he must have a plan for this crazy life.
Because He brought you here and placed you by my side.

chorus:
And I have never been so sure of anything before,
Like I am in this moment here with you
Now for better or for worse are so much more than only words
And I pray everyday will be the proof
That I mean what I say when I say 'I do'
Yeah I mean what I Say when I say 'I do'

You see these hands you hold, will always hold you up
When the strength you have just aint strong enough
And what tomorrow brings, only time will tell
But I will stand by you in sickness and in health

'Cause I have never been so sure of anything before
Like I am in this moment here with you
And now 'for better or for worse'
Are so much more than only words
And I pray every day will be the proof
That I mean what I say when I say 'I do'
Yeah I mean what I say when I say

Take my hand and take this ring
And know that I will always love you through anything.

And as the years march on like a beating heart
I will live these words 'til death do us part'

'Cause I have never been so sure of anything before
Like I am in this moment here with you
And now for better or for worse
Are so much more than only words
And I pray everyday will be the proof
That I mean what I say when I say 'I do'
Ya I mean what I say when I say 'I do'

This song has haunted me day and night. I wake up hearing this song, and I fall asleep with it in the back of my mind. I feel the answer I have been searching, seeking for a long time to somehow capture the answer. I can't say my husband will come back, or that he even loves me or wants me, but I do know that my future has this song for a reason. Every time it's played, my spirit is stirred to the point of faith. I honestly can say that I had run out of hope this past week. I told Poppa that I didn't have anymore hope or faith and that if HE wants to, He could put it back in my heart, but that I was done with my efforts, done with the heartache and the struggle, done with trying to be so strong for everyone else when I myself felt like I was sinking; sinking in darkness, sinking in hopelessness, sinking in my human efforts of trying to conjure up my own faith, hope and love, sinking in my desire for safety and security, sinking in the desperation of wanting to hear from Poppa and my husband, sinking in the wondering if he's dead or alive, sinking in the worries of what others think, sinking in my disappointments, sinking into the tiredness of this crazy struggle, sinking in my questions and desire for truth. How will I even survive this? I should have drowned by now. I felt myself being pulled with a current, and not having the power to stop mself from being swept away by it's undeniable strength. Let me tell you, it has felt so dark...so bleak, not knowing which direction I was going in.

I love my husband, I always will. Don't get me wrong. It's normal for someone who has committed their heart and life to another to feel this way. A good friend reminded me of this. Even though so many around me would say he doesn't deserve my love or that I should move on, I have resolved that even if we never get back together, I know for the rest of my life I will feel that I have to believe for him, believe in him and that he will get better. He will be healed. He will be set free from the torments of darkness, that blinding darkness which he doesn't want and wishes he could break free from. I've fought his demons before, just for short periods of time. No human should ever have to endure it on a daily basis, and he does. I guess I was the angel on this earth that believed in a purpose and a plan for him. It's not that I feel the need to rescue him, because I don't. I know there's no possible way for me to free him from this- ONLY POPPA CAN. I sometimes wonder if Poppa is just waiting for him to surrender and say,"I can't get out. Please free me!" I pray this day comes for him soon.
I know that he has music that needs to come out of him. I know that he has souls to influence. I know he makes imprints on others' lives wherever he goes, and someday it's going to be for good, not for heartaches, abandonment, grief and loss. He has a way with people and animals that makes you melt a million times over. Yeah, I know, I still love him, but I'm willing to let that love go just to be in Poppa's will. I know that whomever I am meant to be married to will be the right one. Not by my choosing, not by my power of changing someone's heart, but by Poppa's plan unfolding. All I know is, I mean what I say when I say I do. Just like the song.

This passage of scripture is pretty clear about FAITH:

Faith in Action:
1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. 2 This is what the ancients were commended for.
3 By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.

4 By faith Abel brought God a better offering than Cain did. By faith he was commended as righteous, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith Abel still speaks, even though he is dead.

5 By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death: “He could not be found, because God had taken him away.”[a] For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. 6 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

7 By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that is in keeping with faith.

8 By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. 9 By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. 10 For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God. 11 And by faith even Sarah, who was past childbearing age, was enabled to bear children because she[b] considered him faithful who had made the promise. 12 And so from this one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore.

13 All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. 14 People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. 15 If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.

17 By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had embraced the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, 18 even though God had said to him, “It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned.”[c] 19 Abraham reasoned that God could even raise the dead, and so in a manner of speaking he did receive Isaac back from death.

20 By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau in regard to their future.

21 By faith Jacob, when he was dying, blessed each of Joseph’s sons, and worshiped as he leaned on the top of his staff.

22 By faith Joseph, when his end was near, spoke about the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt and gave instructions concerning the burial of his bones.

23 By faith Moses’ parents hid him for three months after he was born, because they saw he was no ordinary child, and they were not afraid of the king’s edict.

24 By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. 25 He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. 26 He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. 27 By faith he left Egypt, not fearing the king’s anger; he persevered because he saw him who is invisible. 28 By faith he kept the Passover and the application of blood, so that the destroyer of the firstborn would not touch the firstborn of Israel.

29 By faith the people passed through the Red Sea as on dry land; but when the Egyptians tried to do so, they were drowned.

30 By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the army had marched around them for seven days.

31 By faith the prostitute Rahab, because she welcomed the spies, was not killed with those who were disobedient.[d]

32 And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson and Jephthah, about David and Samuel and the prophets, 33 who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, 34 quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. 35 Women received back their dead, raised to life again. There were others who were tortured, refusing to be released so that they might gain an even better resurrection. 36 Some faced jeers and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. 37 They were put to death by stoning;[e] they were sawed in two; they were killed by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— 38 the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, living in caves and in holes in the ground.

39 These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, 40 since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect. Hebrews 11:1-40

Providing A Safe Haven

Wives have the ability to provide a safe and pleasant haven for our spouses and children. God entrusted us with the power to set the tone and environment for our families. Proverbs 14:1 says,
"The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." Have you ever heard the saying, "If the wife ain't happy then no one is"? It's so true. Have you noticed when you have had a bad day and you remained grouchy, the kids and the husband started being in a foul mood too? Our words, our vocal tones and actions affect our homes and marriages. We set the stage. If there is strife, foul language, cupboard doors slamming, etc., this makes a home not a safe, relaxing place. If we're stomping around and pouting, grumbling and complaining the minute our husband walks in the door, he's honestly not going to want to come home to that. A home should be restful, a place of refreshing and rejuvenation, cozy, warm, and inviting. When I say this, I don't mean that we as wives can't have a bad day or that we can't ever express how we feel about situations, but we do have to be aware that our attitudes affect everyone around us. We are the queens of the castle, so to speak, so what we dish out is what's going to be on the table for our loved ones to take in.

Proverbs 31:25-28 talks about a godly wife and her influence on her family:
"She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her."

It's our very nature to have our homes be a nest. This is where we create a dwelling place for our families. We, as women, take pride in the way our decor and home looks like to others. We often feel it's a reflection of who we are as women. Why else do we spend so much time and money picking out the colors of paint for the walls and drapes, etc.? Just for that very reason, but if we aren't careful, all of our efforts are a waste. If there aren't peace and love in our homes, then it's meaningless. Proverbs 21:9 says, "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." Ain't that the truth?

When our man walks in the door from a hard day of work, he needs to feel he can catch his breath and get a break from the weariness and stresses. Yes, I know that you are thinking, "What about me? I work too. I work full time, chasing after little ones all day. I'm just as tired and exhausted. Don't I count?"

My answer to that would be...I know this sounds so "Leave It To Beaver" and old fashioned...but we do count. We are given the privilege to make it fabulous for our families. It's a valuable honor to be given such responsiblity. If you're tired, just try to remember to do a few small things. Your husband might not mention the changes, but I assure you he will notice and he will like it being more peaceful.

I'm not saying we have to be super woman, or that we have to spin around three times and have a 7 course meal on the table every night, or that we have to wear high heels or pearls and walk around giving our husband his pipe, newspaper and slippers at the end of the day. I have talked to other men and researched what they desire their homes to be like. Most would agree that they like things to be clutter free and peaceful.
As wives, we know it's inevitable that there will be messes (especially if we have little ones) and times when we need to catch up on housework, but if your home is always cluttered and in disarray, that's not good. The Bible mentions often about keeping our houses in order. Most people feel much more peaceful walking into a room that is clutter free and smells pleasant.

Some simple ideas to create an inviting environment are:
If the kids have been rowdy and fighting, play some worship or instrumental music. This helps subdue everyone. Light a few candles before the hubby walks in the door. Candles take only a few seconds to light and it makes a world of difference.

A warm smile from you hits the spot. If there's something serious you need to discuss, wait until he's had time to unwind from the day. There's always a right or wrong time to bring stuff up. It's definitely not when he just gotten home.
Try to keep clutter to a minimum. If you have noticed the rooms where your husband likes to hang out are being overcome by knick-knacks, collections, toys, etc., take a half day to remove the extras you don't really need. It's freeing and you will be able to chill more too. Keep the wall colors simple -most men are drawn to neutral tones. I hate to disappoint you, but your man does not like to be surrounded by pink, flowery fluff. It's not relaxing, he may not complain about it, because he loves you so much, but consider his feelings when choosing decor for your home, and let's be brutally honest...having to make love on a flower comforter with lace doesn't really inspire him either.

These are some things that can help make things a more pleasant place to be -and remember, creating a safe place to land and having your home be a haven begins with you. You are the heart of the home. :)

Ghosts

last night the air was hot and muggy. I was restless, and it seemed that memories were lingering, deciding to stick to me just like the humidity. A scent caught me by surprise in my room...his smell. I don't know where it came from, but it harassed me just enough to bring some unshed tears to the surface. Ones that must have been hidden from my progress of moving forward.

The smell wafted to my nose, beguiling me like a ghost that had walked into the room of my heart. I went and grabbed the sweat shirt of his that I stumbled upon a while back. It holds his scent so strongly. I knelt at the foot of my four poster victorian bed. The place where I met with Poppa so many times concerning our marriage. There in the darkness, only lit by the blare of the TV, I buried my face along with my hot flowing tears into that shirt. Why?
I wondered if he thought of me. I wondered if he ever regretted what he had done to me -to my heart and even my soul. I wished he felt torturous pain -the loneliness that his actions had caused. I wept and prayed hard and fervently, knowing other wives are feeling this anguish just as much as I, or even more. My thoughts have been wrestling with my heart, just as Jacob wrestled with the angel of God. I'm honestly not sure who won last night, but I had some release. These hidden tears had to come out. They always seem to find their way out at the most unexpected times.

I whispered in the darkness. "Poppa, I still love him, please take it away. If he's really never coming back, take it completely away, deliver me." I even felt oddly like I was seeking permission to love him. Was it safe to? After some time, I put the sweatshirt back where I found it. As tempted as I was to sleep with it, I chose not to. I refuse to go backward. I will move forward. I crawled into my bed and began to pray and interceed for the other women, the ones I have really come to love. Miles might keep us from seeing each other face to face, but it's their prayers, their tears, their posts and their words which have brought us close as dear sisters and friends, bound together by our similar paths and difficult journeys we have had to walk. "Please God, bring healing, bring hope, and answer the cries of their hearts."

Today in the shower I came to the place of realizing this heart of mine is still broken. I had a heart to heart with Poppa. I finally humbly admitted that no matter what I do in my own humanness and my own determined efforts, I can't heal my own brokenness. I guess I fooled myself into thinking I was healed. None of the smiles I carry on my face, no christian bumper sticker or cliche, no amount of holding it all together and being strong enough can make this pain disappear. It has become less and less, but it still shows up along with the memories -like haunting ghosts.
I appraoched Poppa and asked Him to deliver me from being broken. No other male affections, no human approvals, no new pair of shoes or any earthly riches, not even time can change this fact. Caring people say that time can heal all wounds -not necessarily true. This is the lesson I have learned. I've seen people who have been broken for years. Nothing can fill the gaping holes but Poppa. I have felt impatient, wishing this process to be hurried along. I've even pleaded, "Just take me back there, back to heaven, and heal me again like you did before." I find He seems to do things differently much of the time, whatever His reason. He is God and He is not figured out, but I'm pretty sure I heard His still quiet voice say, "Can you remain broken just a little longer?"
Why would He say that? Me be broken even more?? For longer?????

Out of this brokenness, I know there is beauty, that there is purpose, but it makes no earthly sense. It's strange and weird, and I'm sure others don't understand. They probably think I just want to stay this way just for attention or to remain a victim, but in my reality, I have come to the place that in my true brokenness, it is there that Poppa brings the best out of me; it's the fragrance of His love, humility and openness that He can work with. If it were not for my shattered state, I would not be reaching out to other human hearts in the capacity that this trial has allowed. The prayers and words of encouragement would not flow in this vast of a supply. It is not because of my endeavor or abilities, but because of Christ in me, making it all happen for His purpose.
So I surrender to His doings. I have to trust His timing. I know He won't leave me in this place forever. There will be complete healing, but it will be in His way and in His timing. In the meantime I need to remember and not forget. I have the promise from Him that He will make me better and more beautiful than before. That's our deal. Out of the ashes beauty will rise, so even though it feels so unfair (it's so confusing and heart wrenching at times), even though I miss the one who deserted me and left me shredded into pieces, I choose to move forward. There will be days of tears, but I do have the promise of better days to come.

Philippians 3:13
Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.

Freedom with Forgiveness

Poppa God can't bless us or Help us if we don't forgive. Forgiveness is required. It's not a feeling, it's a choice. We forgive because He first forgave us. Forgiveness leads to blessing. Forgiveness leads to growth and putting on the character of Jesus. Forgiveness honors Jesus for the ultimate sacrifice He gave to us when He died on the cross. It's saying "Thank You" for paying our penalty even though we didn't deserve it. If we don't forgive, I feel strongly that it's an insult and even a slap in the face to our God. We fool ourselves into thinking we won the situation with the person whom we have had conflict with. We often feel it's justified, that we should not give the pleasure of letting this human being who hurt us get away with what they have done. We feel deeply that if we don't forgive them that we are somehow punishing them, but I assure you, God has a better way of bringing vindication. He has a bigger perspective how things should be. All mankind reaps what they sow. Hurting people hurt others. Their selfish actions that are harmful, along with heart shredding words spoken against us, are often from a wounded soul who's been damaged. They're strangely numb to the pain of others around them. The hurting of those putting up walls of protection around themselves is an endless crazy cycle in which forgiveness has not been given an opportunity. Somehow, the enemy of our mind convinces us that if we let go of the offense, we have lost, that we are weak, that we must defend ourselves, but the solemn truth is that we cause ourselves to lose even more -so much more than the pain, more than the tears, more then the cutting words someone spoke against us. We lose our freedom. Forgiveness opens wide the door to love of humanity. Jesus says to turn the other cheek. I believe He meant in the face of insults. Let them go and move on. Extend grace, because we all know that we are indeed in need of this ourselves. Lack of forgiveness shuts us down into a single, small prisoner's cell. It becomes shackles on our heart, and weighs us down to our useless thoughts. It sucks away the energy of life that could so be used for something better, like loving, living, and laughing. Lack of forgiveness leads to bitterness, and bitterness truly is a death sentence. It poisons our minds, it drains love out of our relationships, marriages, friendships and even our intimate relationship with God. Its poison is also contagious -its vapors like a gas swirl around and hit others around us. Unkind words and gossip, slander against others' character and reputation are always a side effect of refusing to forgive. I read this saying once: "Lack of forgiveness is like a dead rat in the attic, it stinks up the whole house." So completely true! The lined up dominoes of consequences hit one another, crashing down one by one. Divorces, broken homes, dreams unfulfilled, churches split apart, societies with crime and government issues...these are all impacted and caused by the single act of not choosing to forgive another. Wow. Wow. Wow. Is what I say when I really think about it. That kind of responsibility, I would not want on my shoulders when I stand before my Lord someday, so I choose forgiveness. It might not be easy. I might not feel it when I make the choice. I may still feel the pain and hurt of the one who injured me. I may still walk through the heartache, but I know that with time those feelings will fade, and I will be walking with the peace having grown, having become stronger and more full of love, which will be my treasured and eternal reward.

Truckin Along

I came home from my camping trip feeling frustrated that his old truck was still parked in my driveway. It's been months since he left me and the kids, and every day it pains me to see it. I keep thinking he will be there -that he's upstairs in my room or about to greet me at the door. I have no understanding as to why he won't come to pick it up, except to just be unkind and rub more salt into the wounds he's already caused. Why does one do such things to another human being? Others tell me to just have it towed it away, but I feel like it shouldn't be my responsibility. Also, the fact is that I don't need the extra finiancial burden now that I already deal with being a single mom.

One night a while back, I realized his truck was unlocked and so I slid into the drivers seat. It seemed so dark and lonely as I was laying my hands on the steering wheel and crying. Why? Why? Why Lord? Poppa, why? The night surrounded...engulfed me in the cab. After praying I suddenly remembered a very vivid real dream I had last year of being in a truck and seeing the windshield covered in rain droplets. I was told they were my tears, and then Poppa God wiped them away so I could see where I was going -to my future. I tried to look back through the rear window, but saw nothing but darkness. We kept moving forward....forward to a beautiful future.

The moonlight casted shadows around me as I sat in his seat. This is the truck where we kissed and went places together. I wonder if he remembers my laughter, or the sunshine beaming on my blond hair...my feet up on the dashboard. I wonder if he wishes I would rub my fingers through his hair again while he is driving. I'm really weary of the "what ifs".

I looked up in the cab, and in the moonlight saw the sticker I had given him when we had first started dating: "Believe". The word stared at me. Why couldn't he believe in us, in Poppa God, in my kids, and all that was good in his life? He always just seemed to look at the negatives instead of the positives.

I know I'm going to have to contact him again. I don't really want to, but I have no choice. I'm moving on and seeing new people and going to new places. Poppa is pushing me forward and reminding me that I am lovable, I am worthy to be respected and treated special. Last night I had a dream that he was getting a job. I hope that happens for him. Maybe he then will get himself together. He really was a fool to leave. He had a warm loving wife, kids, and a home. He was surrounded by love. I guess love isn't something worth keeping to some people. To me, love is everything. All the money, things, and status in the world can't compare to Poppa's love and family.

Trucks (it's so ironic, because I love big, shiny trucks). I guess that down the road it will be time for a shiny new one, but love doesn't go away over night.

Rocks

Yesterday the feelings of deep grief were intense. I was trying to let go of the one I love so much. I called my momma and she prayed with me. I once again went for a walk and ended up at the river, at the park where we had our first kiss. It pained me standing in the spot where that kiss was, but it brought comfort at the same time. It was a bright sunny day and pretty hot, so I ended up on the riverbank wading into the water. The water felt cool and refreshing. I started throwing rocks. I found a big rock that was such a perfect invitation for me to sit and talk to Poppa God. I believe He placed it there just for me. I sat there and cried, letting my feet soak in the cool water. Me and Poppa have this thing- I write words. My cares and my concerns on rocks and then throw them into the ocean. I am always reminded that POPPA GOD is so much bigger than me and my trifle problems as I release them and throw them into the sea. Sweet surrender begins to happen, so I began to throw rocks, praying over each one....one by one. Hearing the sound of plop each time they landed into the river. I didn't have a sharpie to write the words, but I named them as I threw them to Poppa. My fears, my broken heart, my husband...the one I love, the hurts, the disappointments, the judgements and criticisms from others, the anger, the betrayals -even the woman who stole him from me once and who continues to try...forgiveness, letting go...surrender, letting go of the thoughts, my self esteem that's been damaged. Please take it all. Take the rest, You can have it all. As I was listening to worship music and praying, I lifted my hands unto the surrender that I needed.

Jesus Christ is the Rock...the eternal sure foundation, my resting place, my place of worship, my altar.

Psalm 61:2
From the ends of the earth I call to You, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

Psalm 31:3
Since You are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of Your name, lead and guide me.

Thank You, Lord that I can call on You.That I have a safe place to stand upon when the waves come crashing around me.

All that is lost will be found in You

MY Prayer:

Heal our hearts. Mend our lives. Capture us again. Keep us from running from you. Captivate any thoughts that are not of You. Let forgiveness win. Pull bitterness out by the root. Sow in seeds of everything that is good and of You. Quench our thirst with only You. Nothing else...no one else, nor any other thing will do. Feed our souls with Your bread. Let our voices speak only what is kind. May we sing. We will shout Your praise every time. What's been cut, what's been two-sided...bring us back to you as "one" and undivided. Bring "us" back to You. All that was lost is and will be found in You. Amen.

Walks With Poppa

I love the smell of a summer night's air, the tantalizing mixture of blackberries, juniper, and roses that mingle for me as I pass them by. I'm so thankful for the road I live on. It's long and peaceful and has massive tall pine trees and cute adorable houses with picture perfect flowers of every kind. This road has been my friend. Me and Poppa God have talks on this road. I listen to worship music, I cry, I talk, daydream, analyze and sort through the muck of my emotions. Each footstep seems to lead me toward healing. I walk almost daily now for at least an hour or more. Sometimes I never want to stop, but to just keep going, going, going -far away from the agonizing pain and this inevitable heartache. Where's the off switch? Sometimes I get startled and honked at from the peculiar gawking guys. I really don't understand why they find it necessary to frighten a woman by hooting and hollering out a car window. Oh well.

I miss him -miss my beloved husband so much. We used to walk on this road together...holding hands and talking about the future. Our future. The plans Poppa God had for us. I miss the man who loved me and would stop and protect me from passing cars. He made feel safe and cherished during those times. Where did he go? How does love just disappear so quickly? I blame his illness. His crazy mind. His moods and depression, but sometimes I have this fear...these thoughts that maybe it was me. Maybe I really wasn't good enough to keep his heart captivated.
I try so hard to forget the love I have for him. He's hurt me too deeply. I'm bothered that He just wouldn't see my love as valuable. Why? Poppa, Why? My kids and I were like bright shiny stars in the sky, but he just wouldn't look up at us. I wish that night didn't happen -when he walked out the door....walked out on us, turned his back on his family. What makes a man just leave and forget all that is precious? What makes a man leave all that is good: family, love, faith? I wasn't perfect. He got annoyed that I would say "I love you" so much, but I always wanted him to feel secure -to never doubt that he was loved or valued. I know I tried with every breath I took. My vow to him was that I would always try to bring him good every day of his life. The problem was, he didn't value himself or the life Poppa gave him. I still have torments from the night he tried to kill himself. Those images I can't get out of my brain.

So I walk. I walk and talk with Poppa. I tell Him to take me back to heaven, to the place where he healed me the first time my husband broke my heart -the place of no hurts and pure love and peace. "Poppa, take me back...I want to go back. I don't want to feel this anymore." Maybe some night in my dreams, He will take me there again.

Music, the night air and streaks of beautiful pink sky...The promise of a better day to come.
My skin is golden tan and my hair is blonder than ever from the hours of walking Ive done these past weeks. I look like a california girl..lol. Still dusk is my favorite..When the air is muggy and sweet smelling and there's a slight breeze. For years me and Poppa have had this thing between us..Whenever I see the wind blowing on my walks I know it's Him saying hello to me. The tops of the trees swaying..The sounds of the leaves rustling and dancing....His wind blowing across my face. I even taught my kids this when they were little. I still recall when my daughter was 5 or 6- Hearing her say as she was on the swing in our backyard, "Hello,Jesus". It took my breath away seeing those words from her tiny voice. :)

I can hear Poppa say to me, "Do not fear,baby girl. I am with you. I will never leave you or forsake you. Trust me. It will all be ok".

I love you, Poppa God. <3 a="" break="" class="separator" div="" feet="" from="" my="" near="" of="" one="" river="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;" taking="" the="" walks="" y="">

Love Letters

I read a few letters we sent back and forth to each other...why can't couples remember the reasons why they were brought together in the first place?

He once asked me:
How and why do you love me so deeply and completely???

November 4, 2010 Jenny Russell
Dear Jacob,

I know words are very important to you, so I choose what I say carefully. I am sorry that you feel confused. Honey, perfect love casts out all fear. God has not given you a spirit of fear..BUT OF POWER, LOVE and A SOUND MIND.

I love you because I'm your Rachel -the one that Poppa promised you when you were taking a shower long ago. The one you and Poppa chuckled about because you could not believe. I Don't say that with arrogance, but with confidence, because I know who I am in Christ Jesus. I know what I'm called to. I'm anointed to be your wife. If you question this, ask Poppa. Remember, every good and perfect gift comes from above. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I was fashioned and created perfectly to fit my heart with yours, my hand to be in yours, to fit my head upon your chest. To walk IN ALL THAT POPPA HAS PURPOSED AND PROMISED US. I'm called to sing with you, to minister with you, to have a baby with you, to touch lives greatly for the kingdom of God, to help the homeless, the broken, and the abandoned, to walk and move in the prophetic and speak words of life over the wounded. We're to travel and go many places. I've been to your future, I am in your future. I was taken to the heavenlies with Poppa. Can you handle this all? Not only that, but the little things. I love your smile. I love your rugged hands. I love your scent. My lips crave your neck. Charm wants lucky so badly. I love our glasses of vino together. I love that you protect me. I love the way you love my babies, they love you too. I love the way you sleep. I love that you love cheese and garlic. I love your music...your worship. I love your heart. I love the way you love Poppa and you inspire me to love Him more. It drives me nuts at times that when I worship our king... I asked poppa about this in heaven and he told me why ... its because we are one. We worship in spirit and in truth.

November 4, 2010 Jenny Russell
should I go on? Can you handle this? I love you for who you are now. I see past all the crud and circumstances that have held you back. I love you for the man you are going to be, because Poppa showed me who you are through his eyes. You're amazing. You shine, and you're mine. You're mine, not Leah's, not her's...mine. You broke me into a million pieces and my heart bled with shards of glass, and even though you slayed me, I still loved you because Poppa put an eternal love for you in my heart. I can't explain it, the love I have for you, it just is!!! I was in a heavenly realm talking to Poppa about you... You are my one true love. Is this not enough for you?


November 6, 2010 Sent from a Phone -Darrell K Russell:
Your cheeziness is something I really miss

November 6, 2010 -Jenny Russell:
what else do u miss about me? I kinda need to know :)

November 6, 2010Sent from a Phone -Darrell K Russell:
I miss your smile, your laugh, the way you can't help but blush every time I look in your eyes, I miss that you can't be away from me for more than 30 seconds, I miss you texting and calling, I miss your oddball sense of humor, I miss your soft kiss, I miss your scent, I miss feeling you in my arms, I miss rubbing each other down with tiger balm because we're the only 2 people on earth who love the scent, I miss reading and discussing Poppa and His Word, I miss praying with you, I miss worshiping Poppa with you... I miss everything about you

November 6, 2010 -Jenny Russell:
i really miss talking about Poppa w u too...and your prayers and back rubs and u talking to our kittys...i miss giving u a spoon w your dinner... vino is not the same w out u...i miss u playing the guitar...i love your music...it makes me want u so bad....also your arms...miss holding ur hand at church and resting my hand on ur thigh....

Say Good Bye by Sanctus Real

In His Hands

I said goodbye to my one true earthly love. I couldn't face him in person. I didn't want him to see the hurt on my face or the many tears I had been shedding that day. He came to get his stuff. The green shirt is gone. The scent of his clothes...gone. I kept hoping he would realize that I and the kids were the best thing that ever happened to him; that we were blessings Poppa had brought into his life, that we love him and need him. My heart is so broken it's hard to see a brighter day ahead, but I know I have to move forward without him. He didn't want me in his life...me, his Rachel, the one he loved.

I pray for him, but have little or no hope that he will return. I promised I would never beg him to come back, and I won't. I won't pursue his love. He should have been pursuing me. My heart wishes he would realize what he's lost and decide to become a man, get a job, go to church and make something of himself so he can be the husband and father he was meant to be to us, but only a surendered heart and Poppa could make that happen.

I've let go of my one true love. I gave my love for him to Poppa, because it hurts too much to have any love in my heart. Poppa heal me. It hurts so much I don't want to breathe.

Fairy Tales by my friend Ryan Morris

I wrote this this evening

.....Ever After

The life of a fairy tale.

Can be like our own.

The ending is happy.

But the story unknown.



The story begins.

Then there’s always a twist.

You can’t get to the ending.

Unless you persist.



Some stop reading the story.

When things, they look bleak.

They don’t have the strength.

Their hearts are too weak.



So they grab a new tale.

Then the reading begins.

If it ends in the middle.

Then nobody wins.



So things just seem hopeless.

Because we always quit.

We don’t finish the story.

To the fear we submit.



God tells us, “Hold on.”

“The ending is near.”

“Just keep reading the story.”

“Don’t give in to fear.”



“Believe in My ending.”

“Believe and then hope.”

“That the hero will climb up.”

“From the end of his rope.”



And so you continue

The prince finds his queen

The greatest fairy tale ending

You ever had seen



But had you not finished.

The true ending unknown.

The prince would not have a queen.

To share with his throne.





Fairy tales are filled.

With both sadness and laughter.

Where you finish the story.

Becomes your ever after.

Garters and Stockings

This may be the hardest thing to write, but I feel I need to share. I know other women hurt from what husbands say or don't say in the bedroom. Oh, how I loved him -adored him- and would have given anything for him. Our passion was like electricity at times. Just looking at each other from across the room. My heart always filled up with butterflies ..every single time I saw him -even at his worst, his ugliest, and meanest. He had days of passion for me that would then slip into his walls going up. He would become distant and cold. Then it would turn to anger, and finally rage. I never understood the reasons, but I would wait. I would keep waiting ...waiting ...waiting for him to make love to me -to desire me. Bedtime was torture at times. I laid there wondering what was wrong with me. He would tell me, "You're beautiful and hot." but then he would just make excuses for why he wouldn't be with me. The times we were together were special to me. Even though sometimes I would think the foreplay could be better, or that we could actually try something new; to me, just being with him was enough. I was satisfied to be with the man I was completely in love with.
One night he was drunk. He nearly cried telling me how beautiful and hot I was, but he couldn't do anything because he was so messed up physically. He didn't feel worthy, because he felt he wasn't a good provider. It broke my heart that he felt that way, because I always loved him anyway ...he was my man.

Harsh words were said that evening, the night he walked out the door. He broke me as a woman -the very essence of who I am as woman. He cut me deeply, shredding me into pieces. He lied and said he wasn't romantically in love with me. I believe in my heart it was a lie, because when he wasn't in  his shut-down or anger phase, he did desire me. I'm not sure if he just believed this lie for himself or if he just made this up to find a reason to abandon me. Even our wedding night -he forgot the tender moments. I cried so hard.
I had tried so hard to be what he wanted and needed. I remember going to Victoria's Secret and buying the lingerie that he liked -garters and stockings. I was so excited to come home and show him, but once again he had no response to the act of love I had done for him. He doesn't know the hurt I felt that night. I never did get to use them. They stayed in the bag ...waiting -just like me. He would tell me I look so beautiful when I'm asleep. He would look over and gaze at me. I don't understand. I don't know why my soft skin or body which he said he loved and was perfect for him -he would just reject. I know he suffers depression, so I was patient. I waited for the sweet loving, caring man to emerge. The one who had fire for me, but he only came out once in a while. Kisses, holding hands -they came only when he would let his walls down. I always thought I was a safe, soft place for him to land -a safe refuge and comfort if he needed me, but for some reason it felt like I wasn't allowed the same thing. I miss him so much. I miss when we kissed. He always wanted a passionate woman ...one who desired and wanted him. That was who I was. We were a match made in heaven it seemed...

but The lies he convinced himself of stripped everything away -just as fast as lingerie gets taken off of a beautiful body. Why couldn't he just appreciate what he had in front of him? Our wedding rings have the words inscribed on them: I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine. Solomon 6:3 I miss my lover, my husband, my best friend. Written By Jenny Williams  Copyright 2011

I Don't Apologize

Yesterday held a lot of tears. I was captured by a sneaking tidal wave of emotions when I recieved the text that my husband wanted to get all his stuff from the house. I somehow had hoped he would come to his own realization of wanting to come back and love us -that small hope that maybe he would realize we were special treasures and that Poppa had brought into his life, that he would choose to find work and provide for us and choose to be the man he was called to be.

The tidal wave was the finality of it all. Hope came crashing down and was swept away from me and my shredded heart. I swear the tears are like the salt of the sea and they fall into my gaping, raw wounds.

It takes strength to show tears more than it does to hide them. I've cried what feels like oceans. Our Poppa God catches them all in a bottle and holds them. I pray He turns them to perfume of His beauty and grace for me to wear, because this pain is so great, so raw and so real yet surreal.

I was praying to Poppa God in my pile of clothes, and I was saying sorry for loving him....my husband. I heard His still, gentle, firm voice say to me, "Don't apologize for loving him. I chose you to love him." I began to ask forgiveness for making this great vast mistake, and I once again heard Poppa say, "It wasn't your mistake. Don't apologize. It was his mistake that he chose to make."
That was healing for me, because I believe in my heart that I was anointed to be his wife. God gives us unconditional love. It's not human love, but perfect love that comes from heaven.
Love doesn't walk away...People do by the choices they make, so I don't apologize for loving him. I loved him more than any man in my life. Heaven help him to someday realize this. I fear by then it will be too late.