Sunday, September 25, 2011

Hope Rising on the Horizon

Hebrews 11: 1

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."

I woke up this morning with a feeling something was finally changing, with the assurance that Poppa God has His hand moving upon the situation concerning my life and purpose. I have to admit, I honestly feel that for the past several weeks it has felt like I've been staggering and stumbling around completely in the dark,  not knowing what to do with this fragile and very tender-feeling heart of mine. My prayers have been,"Direct my heart, direct my desires and my will -my relationships. I don't trust my own, Poppa. Please cover me in your grace and protect me."

I haven't heard from my wayward husband in a long time, and I have wondered if he was dead or alive. I also wasn't sure which path to take anymore. So many of the wives have been faithfully and consistently praying and believing for their marriages to be restored, healed and made new. I honor them for their amazing courage and strength -persevering through the dark. Some not hearing from their beloveds for weeks, and some even months. What agony, because I know that for me, every day without him has been sheer agony, and I have shed rivers of tears and have even felt the earth beneath me become very heavy mud from my emotions and pain. It has been like thick sludge trying to forcefully keep myself moving forward, my legs of courage, weak with despair, trying to slow me down.
When I started this ministry I felt a huge commitment and responsibility that I must stand beside these wives and ferevently pray for their families to be touched, healed, and influenced by Poppa's amazing sweet love. I see the anointing of His fragrant, warm oil dripping and being poured out upon these brave women, their precious husbands and families. I see the hope and faith of happiness and beauty coming in the future for them -that even in this dark night of their soul, there is light -His LIGHT breaking through their forests of doubt and fears, abandonment and tears. Its branches are hellishly dark, and the shadows entangle, as though trying to grab you and pull you captive, away from belief, but these branches and shadows are just scary illusions. They are fears trying to convince us that things won't change, or that there's no hope. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. It's so incredibly and blatantly true, but there is HOPE. THERE IS TRUE LOVE. THERE IS FAITH.
( 1 Corinthians 13:13
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.)
The streaks of pink, red, orange and golden purple haze are and have been rising in the distance. I see the pure beauty of these beautiful women's hearts and their steadfast love for the ones who have hurt them, rejected them and abandoned them (some even in favor of another woman). I cry for them now. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I am writing this, because if only their husbands could see the selfless love and sacrifice  -pure love, true love, Agape love. No man in his right mind would want to escape this kind of love. Sadly, they are lost and blinded by their foolishness, pride, self doubt, and fears.
Colossians 1:5
the faith and love that spring from the hope stored up for you in heaven and about which you have already heard in the true message of the gospel.
1 Thessalonians 1:3
We remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.
1 Thessalonians 5:8
But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet.
I came across a song two days ago. The lyrics and tune have gripped me like a vice around my heart. Music has always been a way Poppa speaks with me. Music is truly my heartbeat. If I could sing every word I say, I probably

When I say I Do:
Matthew West

There must be a God, I believe its true.
Cause I can see His love, when I look at you.
And he must have a plan for this crazy life.
Because He brought you here and placed you by my side.

And I have never been so sure of anything before,
Like I am in this moment here with you
Now for better or for worse are so much more than only words
And I pray everyday will be the proof
That I mean what I say when I say 'I do'
Yeah I mean what I Say when I say 'I do'

You see these hands you hold, will always hold you up
When the strength you have just aint strong enough
And what tomorrow brings, only time will tell
But I will stand by you in sickness and in health

'Cause I have never been so sure of anything before
Like I am in this moment here with you
And now 'for better or for worse'
Are so much more than only words
And I pray every day will be the proof
That I mean what I say when I say 'I do'
Yeah I mean what I say when I say

Take my hand and take this ring
And know that I will always love you through anything.

And as the years march on like a beating heart
I will live these words 'til death do us part'

'Cause I have never been so sure of anything before
Like I am in this moment here with you
And now for better or for worse
Are so much more than only words
And I pray everyday will be the proof
That I mean what I say when I say 'I do'
Ya I mean what I say when I say 'I do'

This song has haunted me day and night. I wake up hearing this song, and I fall asleep with it in the back of my mind. I feel the answer I have been searching, seeking for a long time to somehow capture the answer. I can't say my husband will come back, or that he even loves me or wants me, but I do know that my future has this song for a reason. Every time it's played, my spirit is stirred to the point of faith. I honestly can say that I had run out of hope this past week. I told Poppa that I didn't have anymore hope or faith and that if HE wants to, He could put it back in my heart, but that I was done with my efforts, done with the heartache and the struggle, done with trying to be so strong for everyone else when I myself felt like I was sinking; sinking in darkness, sinking in hopelessness, sinking in my human efforts of trying to conjure up my own faith, hope and love, sinking in my desire for safety and security, sinking in the desperation of wanting to hear from Poppa and my husband, sinking in the wondering if he's dead or alive, sinking in the worries of what others think, sinking in my disappointments, sinking into the tiredness of this crazy struggle, sinking in my questions and desire for truth. How will I even survive this? I should have drowned by now. I felt myself being pulled with a current, and not having the power to stop mself from being swept away by it's undeniable strength. Let me tell you, it has felt so bleak, not knowing which direction I was going in.

I love my husband, I always will. Don't get me wrong. It's normal for someone who has committed their heart and life to another to feel this way. A good friend reminded me of this. Even though so many around me would say he doesn't deserve my love or that I should move on, I have resolved that even if we never get back together, I know for the rest of my life I will feel that I have to believe for him, believe in him and that he will get better. He will be healed. He will be set free from the torments of darkness, that blinding darkness which he doesn't want and wishes he could break free from. I've fought his demons before, just for short periods of time. No human should ever have to endure it on a daily basis, and he does. I guess I was the angel on this earth that believed in a purpose and a plan for him. It's not that I feel the need to rescue him, because I don't. I know there's no possible way for me to free him from this- ONLY POPPA CAN. I sometimes wonder if Poppa is just waiting for him to surrender and say,"I can't get out. Please free me!" I pray this day comes for him soon.
I know that he has music that needs to come out of him. I know that he has souls to influence. I know he makes imprints on others' lives wherever he goes, and someday it's going to be for good, not for heartaches, abandonment, grief and loss. He has a way with people and animals that makes you melt a million times over. Yeah, I know, I still love him, but I'm willing to let that love go just to be in Poppa's will. I know that whomever I am meant to be married to will be the right one. Not by my choosing, not by my power of changing someone's heart, but by Poppa's plan unfolding. All I know is, I mean what I say when I say I do. Just like the song.

This passage of scripture is pretty clear about FAITH:

Faith in Action:
1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. 2 This is what the ancients were commended for.
3 By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.

4 By faith Abel brought God a better offering than Cain did. By faith he was commended as righteous, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith Abel still speaks, even though he is dead.

5 By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death: “He could not be found, because God had taken him away.”[a] For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. 6 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

7 By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that is in keeping with faith.

8 By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. 9 By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. 10 For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God. 11 And by faith even Sarah, who was past childbearing age, was enabled to bear children because she[b] considered him faithful who had made the promise. 12 And so from this one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore.

13 All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. 14 People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. 15 If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.

17 By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had embraced the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, 18 even though God had said to him, “It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned.”[c] 19 Abraham reasoned that God could even raise the dead, and so in a manner of speaking he did receive Isaac back from death.

20 By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau in regard to their future.

21 By faith Jacob, when he was dying, blessed each of Joseph’s sons, and worshiped as he leaned on the top of his staff.

22 By faith Joseph, when his end was near, spoke about the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt and gave instructions concerning the burial of his bones.

23 By faith Moses’ parents hid him for three months after he was born, because they saw he was no ordinary child, and they were not afraid of the king’s edict.

24 By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. 25 He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. 26 He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. 27 By faith he left Egypt, not fearing the king’s anger; he persevered because he saw him who is invisible. 28 By faith he kept the Passover and the application of blood, so that the destroyer of the firstborn would not touch the firstborn of Israel.

29 By faith the people passed through the Red Sea as on dry land; but when the Egyptians tried to do so, they were drowned.

30 By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the army had marched around them for seven days.

31 By faith the prostitute Rahab, because she welcomed the spies, was not killed with those who were disobedient.[d]

32 And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson and Jephthah, about David and Samuel and the prophets, 33 who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, 34 quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. 35 Women received back their dead, raised to life again. There were others who were tortured, refusing to be released so that they might gain an even better resurrection. 36 Some faced jeers and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. 37 They were put to death by stoning;[e] they were sawed in two; they were killed by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— 38 the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, living in caves and in holes in the ground.

39 These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, 40 since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect. Hebrews 11:1-40

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