Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I Don't Apologize
Yesterday held a lot of tears. I was captured by a sneaking tidal wave of emotions when I recieved the text that my husband wanted to get all his stuff from the house. I somehow had hoped he would come to his own realization of wanting to come back and love us -that small hope that maybe he would realize we were special treasures and that Poppa had brought into his life, that he would choose to find work and provide for us and choose to be the man he was called to be.
The tidal wave was the finality of it all. Hope came crashing down and was swept away from me and my shredded heart. I swear the tears are like the salt of the sea and they fall into my gaping, raw wounds.
It takes strength to show tears more than it does to hide them. I've cried what feels like oceans. Our Poppa God catches them all in a bottle and holds them. I pray He turns them to perfume of His beauty and grace for me to wear, because this pain is so great, so raw and so real yet surreal.
I was praying to Poppa God in my pile of clothes, and I was saying sorry for loving him....my husband. I heard His still, gentle, firm voice say to me, "Don't apologize for loving him. I chose you to love him." I began to ask forgiveness for making this great vast mistake, and I once again heard Poppa say, "It wasn't your mistake. Don't apologize. It was his mistake that he chose to make."
That was healing for me, because I believe in my heart that I was anointed to be his wife. God gives us unconditional love. It's not human love, but perfect love that comes from heaven.
Love doesn't walk away...People do by the choices they make, so I don't apologize for loving him. I loved him more than any man in my life. Heaven help him to someday realize this. I fear by then it will be too late.