This may be the hardest thing to write, but I feel I need to share. I know other women hurt from what husbands say or don't say in the bedroom. Oh, how I loved him -adored him- and would have given anything for him. Our passion was like electricity at times. Just looking at each other from across the room. My heart always filled up with butterflies ..every single time I saw him -even at his worst, his ugliest, and meanest. He had days of passion for me that would then slip into his walls going up. He would become distant and cold. Then it would turn to anger, and finally rage. I never understood the reasons, but I would wait. I would keep waiting ...waiting ...waiting for him to make love to me -to desire me. Bedtime was torture at times. I laid there wondering what was wrong with me. He would tell me, "You're beautiful and hot." but then he would just make excuses for why he wouldn't be with me. The times we were together were special to me. Even though sometimes I would think the foreplay could be better, or that we could actually try something new; to me, just being with him was enough. I was satisfied to be with the man I was completely in love with.
One night he was drunk. He nearly cried telling me how beautiful and hot I was, but he couldn't do anything because he was so messed up physically. He didn't feel worthy, because he felt he wasn't a good provider. It broke my heart that he felt that way, because I always loved him anyway ...he was my man.
Harsh words were said that evening, the night he walked out the door. He broke me as a woman -the very essence of who I am as woman. He cut me deeply, shredding me into pieces. He lied and said he wasn't romantically in love with me. I believe in my heart it was a lie, because when he wasn't in his shut-down or anger phase, he did desire me. I'm not sure if he just believed this lie for himself or if he just made this up to find a reason to abandon me. Even our wedding night -he forgot the tender moments. I cried so hard.
I had tried so hard to be what he wanted and needed. I remember going to Victoria's Secret and buying the lingerie that he liked -garters and stockings. I was so excited to come home and show him, but once again he had no response to the act of love I had done for him. He doesn't know the hurt I felt that night. I never did get to use them. They stayed in the bag ...waiting -just like me. He would tell me I look so beautiful when I'm asleep. He would look over and gaze at me. I don't understand. I don't know why my soft skin or body which he said he loved and was perfect for him -he would just reject. I know he suffers depression, so I was patient. I waited for the sweet loving, caring man to emerge. The one who had fire for me, but he only came out once in a while. Kisses, holding hands -they came only when he would let his walls down. I always thought I was a safe, soft place for him to land -a safe refuge and comfort if he needed me, but for some reason it felt like I wasn't allowed the same thing. I miss him so much. I miss when we kissed. He always wanted a passionate woman ...one who desired and wanted him. That was who I was. We were a match made in heaven it seemed...
but The lies he convinced himself of stripped everything away -just as fast as lingerie gets taken off of a beautiful body. Why couldn't he just appreciate what he had in front of him? Our wedding rings have the words inscribed on them: I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine. Solomon 6:3 I miss my lover, my husband, my best friend. Written By Jenny Williams Copyright 2011