Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Walks With Poppa
I love the smell of a summer night's air, the tantalizing mixture of blackberries, juniper, and roses that mingle for me as I pass them by. I'm so thankful for the road I live on. It's long and peaceful and has massive tall pine trees and cute adorable houses with picture perfect flowers of every kind. This road has been my friend. Me and Poppa God have talks on this road. I listen to worship music, I cry, I talk, daydream, analyze and sort through the muck of my emotions. Each footstep seems to lead me toward healing. I walk almost daily now for at least an hour or more. Sometimes I never want to stop, but to just keep going, going, going -far away from the agonizing pain and this inevitable heartache. Where's the off switch? Sometimes I get startled and honked at from the peculiar gawking guys. I really don't understand why they find it necessary to frighten a woman by hooting and hollering out a car window. Oh well.
I miss him -miss my beloved husband so much. We used to walk on this road together...holding hands and talking about the future. Our future. The plans Poppa God had for us. I miss the man who loved me and would stop and protect me from passing cars. He made feel safe and cherished during those times. Where did he go? How does love just disappear so quickly? I blame his illness. His crazy mind. His moods and depression, but sometimes I have this fear...these thoughts that maybe it was me. Maybe I really wasn't good enough to keep his heart captivated.
I try so hard to forget the love I have for him. He's hurt me too deeply. I'm bothered that He just wouldn't see my love as valuable. Why? Poppa, Why? My kids and I were like bright shiny stars in the sky, but he just wouldn't look up at us. I wish that night didn't happen -when he walked out the door....walked out on us, turned his back on his family. What makes a man just leave and forget all that is precious? What makes a man leave all that is good: family, love, faith? I wasn't perfect. He got annoyed that I would say "I love you" so much, but I always wanted him to feel secure -to never doubt that he was loved or valued. I know I tried with every breath I took. My vow to him was that I would always try to bring him good every day of his life. The problem was, he didn't value himself or the life Poppa gave him. I still have torments from the night he tried to kill himself. Those images I can't get out of my brain.
So I walk. I walk and talk with Poppa. I tell Him to take me back to heaven, to the place where he healed me the first time my husband broke my heart -the place of no hurts and pure love and peace. "Poppa, take me back...I want to go back. I don't want to feel this anymore." Maybe some night in my dreams, He will take me there again.
Music, the night air and streaks of beautiful pink sky...The promise of a better day to come.
My skin is golden tan and my hair is blonder than ever from the hours of walking Ive done these past weeks. I look like a california girl..lol. Still dusk is my favorite..When the air is muggy and sweet smelling and there's a slight breeze. For years me and Poppa have had this thing between us..Whenever I see the wind blowing on my walks I know it's Him saying hello to me. The tops of the trees swaying..The sounds of the leaves rustling and dancing....His wind blowing across my face. I even taught my kids this when they were little. I still recall when my daughter was 5 or 6- Hearing her say as she was on the swing in our backyard, "Hello,Jesus". It took my breath away seeing those words from her tiny voice. :)
I can hear Poppa say to me, "Do not fear,baby girl. I am with you. I will never leave you or forsake you. Trust me. It will all be ok".
I love you, Poppa God. <3 a="" break="" class="separator" div="" feet="" from="" my="" near="" of="" one="" river="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;" taking="" the="" walks="" y="">