Monday, August 29, 2011
I came home from my camping trip feeling frustrated that his old truck was still parked in my driveway. It's been months since he left me and the kids, and every day it pains me to see it. I keep thinking he will be there -that he's upstairs in my room or about to greet me at the door. I have no understanding as to why he won't come to pick it up, except to just be unkind and rub more salt into the wounds he's already caused. Why does one do such things to another human being? Others tell me to just have it towed it away, but I feel like it shouldn't be my responsibility. Also, the fact is that I don't need the extra finiancial burden now that I already deal with being a single mom.
One night a while back, I realized his truck was unlocked and so I slid into the drivers seat. It seemed so dark and lonely as I was laying my hands on the steering wheel and crying. Why? Why? Why Lord? Poppa, why? The night surrounded...engulfed me in the cab. After praying I suddenly remembered a very vivid real dream I had last year of being in a truck and seeing the windshield covered in rain droplets. I was told they were my tears, and then Poppa God wiped them away so I could see where I was going -to my future. I tried to look back through the rear window, but saw nothing but darkness. We kept moving forward....forward to a beautiful future.
The moonlight casted shadows around me as I sat in his seat. This is the truck where we kissed and went places together. I wonder if he remembers my laughter, or the sunshine beaming on my blond hair...my feet up on the dashboard. I wonder if he wishes I would rub my fingers through his hair again while he is driving. I'm really weary of the "what ifs".
I looked up in the cab, and in the moonlight saw the sticker I had given him when we had first started dating: "Believe". The word stared at me. Why couldn't he believe in us, in Poppa God, in my kids, and all that was good in his life? He always just seemed to look at the negatives instead of the positives.
I know I'm going to have to contact him again. I don't really want to, but I have no choice. I'm moving on and seeing new people and going to new places. Poppa is pushing me forward and reminding me that I am lovable, I am worthy to be respected and treated special. Last night I had a dream that he was getting a job. I hope that happens for him. Maybe he then will get himself together. He really was a fool to leave. He had a warm loving wife, kids, and a home. He was surrounded by love. I guess love isn't something worth keeping to some people. To me, love is everything. All the money, things, and status in the world can't compare to Poppa's love and family.
Trucks (it's so ironic, because I love big, shiny trucks). I guess that down the road it will be time for a shiny new one, but love doesn't go away over night.