My Love Story

My love story is different than some...One day, the true love of my life walked out the door for the last time. It was one of the most painful and devastating times imaginable, but I knew I had to keep going, and it was only by the grace of God that I did. I started Ruby Wives Ministry, and it was growing by leaps and bounds. I had no idea that during my own heart shattering crisis, God would make something good come out of my ashes. My humbled and naive idea of helping other hurting women who were silently struggling in their marriages while dealing with separation or divorce, would turn into something bigger than I could ever plan. It was really stepping out onto the water for me, because I didn't even know how to make a Facebook page at the time. I was crying in a crumpled heap on my pile of laundry when I heard His almost audible voice whisper to my heart: "I want you to take these women with you on this journey."

Two and a half years later, thousands of women and even men have become faithful readers of our pages that offer simple prayers, wisdom, and encouragement for spouses. God allowed my brokenness and reflection of the mistakes I made as a wife to become wisdom gems to share with others. Through transparently shared struggles about my own journey of healing, our readers responded openly and thanked me because they could relate. My tears became their comfort, because they felt they were not alone. My surrendered weakness to God became my new-found strength as well as theirs, because they were dealing with similar circumstances. Then came the newly wed brides, the happily married wives...women of different circumstances and statuses, broken or abandoned...they all became fans. I realized that as I was learning and gleaning wisdom and sharing it with wives, a positive growth and change was happening. It was contagious. Praise God! It was all His beautiful plan unfolding before me. Letters poured in from around the world with reports of marriages being restored and women being encouraged. My heart has been so overabundantly blessed, and even though things haven't turned out the way I thought they would, or the way I wanted them to, God revealed to me that He has always had a plan, and that He knew what was best for me. He built a full time ministry out of my broken mess and ashes, and He built a new dream in me. Beauty had come.

One thing I have learned through this beautiful, crazy and amazing journey, is that we all have one thing in common: a broken heart is a broken heart. Pain is pain. Marriage troubles are the same everywhere, no matter who you are or where you are from. The internet is a way to reach women in all parts of the world. Barriers are broken by it. I have had countless pastors' wives who were hurting in silence because their spouse was having an affair, struggling with addictions, etc., write to me for advice and prayers. They felt safe reaching out for help online.

Through this process, I finally came to a certain place of healing and surrender in my heart, I saw that God had an even bigger plan, and that I was not to look backward anymore. I found that my love story isn't over, it's being rediscovered and revised by the One who created love in the first place. Thus, A Modern Day Ruth was born. God revealed that the "Ruth" of this generation is primarily the woman who has been abandoned, divorced because of circumstances beyond her control, or has experienced abuse and neglect. The Modern Day Ruth is a woman who has experienced a devastation or even spiritual and emotional "death." Her husband has died to her and the family, and has walked away.

We live in a society where if it isn't easy or if it needs fixing, we will just go get a "new one" and people end up discarded as if they're replaceable things. It's so sad. Our world would be a happier and better place if people valued and honored marriages and families. What's worse is that the very place where women like us should find refuge comfort and support -the church- often judges, condemns, and turns its head away from these women. Many times I, myself, have felt that the Christian family I thought would be there for me, looked at me like I was the woman with the scarlet letter, as though I was someone who slept around. I was surprised to find that this is the perception some people have of single moms. That was definitely not the case for me, and even if it was, what would Jesus do? He never condemned the woman at the well, nor did he throw a stone at the woman who supposedly was caught in the act of adultery. I see the story of the woman at the well as tragic. She must have had her heart severely broken several times. She must have been abandoned, rejected, lied to, used, and promised false forevers... I often wish I could go back in time and hug that woman in the Bible and tell her I love her and that she's going to be alright, but Jesus did it for me.

Now, as I walk this role of A Modern Day Ruth and as a leader of women, I continue to reach out to as many as possible, to remind each one that her love story doesn't just end in heartache and tears, and that her life isn't going to be just struggle and pain. I know she faces tear-stained pillow nights and wrestles with ongoing loneliness. She wakes up to difficult days of surviving while trying to take care of her children...the family her husband left behind. Though Ruth was a widow, she ended up having her season of heartache turn to a lifetime of joy, and the promise of a lasting legacy. I am many times reminded of the words that are engraved upon my heart, and I have clung to them often: Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Everyone has a love story. Sometimes that love story doesn't turn out the way you wish it would have. Maybe you're fighting for your love story right now to continue -fighting to keep your marriage alive, or your fairy tale dream may already have been shattered or ended in disappointment. Mine is that God took my messed up, abandoned, and broken heart and held me. He cradled me in the midst of my sheer agony and emotional turmoil. He didn't save my marriage, but He saved me. He gave me purpose and He took each piece of my heart and mended me, making me stronger and better than before. I have come to know that in Him I do have my happy ever after, and my love story with Him is still beautifully unfolding. Written by Jenny Williams Copyright 2014

Pouring Rain Of Grace (Spontaneous Song)

You're making me beautiful, beautiful, beautiful 

in your pouring rain of Grace. 

You're washing all the grime and weariness from my tired feet 

on this lonely road I've faced. 

And there is a hole in heaven where your healing perfume 

is being poured out over me. 

And all that is left on me is the fragrance of heaven. 

Just like the smell of a much needed rain 

on a hot summer evening. 

Your raining grace is so sweet. 

And all my tears and pain have been washed away 

in your pouring grace. 

~ Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives copyright 2013.

She Loved Me Like Jesus Does

There's a song that came out this past year. I am a country music fan and I enjoy the stories that these songs tell. Lately, this particular song has been reminding me deeply in my heart of the love I had for the one who broke me in two. It seems so long ago -like a very distant memory. As this song was playing in the car on the radio I felt an ironic moment of epiphany...Wow, Poppa -that's exactly how I loved him.  He was what you would consider a "bad boy". He has a past and a trail of mistakes, drama, and broken hearts, and I was one of them. He's rough around the edges, kind of scruffy and not one for the highest hygiene award ...but I loved him. I called him "Tramp" and he called me "Lady" -from the Disney movie. It described us perfectly. I am a girly girl -sweet smelling and enjoy being clothed in heels and dresses.
The country song blared out these surreal lyrics:

I always thought she'd give up on me one day. 

Wash her hands of me leave me staring down some runway. 

But I thank God each night and twice on Sunday 

That she loves me like Jesus does.

All the crazy in my dreams, 

Both my broken wings, 

Every single piece of everything I am. 

She knows the man I ain't, 

She forgives me when I can't. 

That devil, man, he don't stand a chance.

She loves me like Jesus does."

She loves me like Jesus does...

  I don't fully understand why Poppa God allowed me to meet this broken, messed up man; to fall so in love, so deeply in love with someone who would not value or cherish the unconditional love I would give him, but our paths crossed at church one day. I never have loved any man the way I did him. His guitar, his rugged hands, and his quirky humor -deep conversations of spiritual things and our cheesy, almost delirious love words we would say to each other. I inevitably would hang on to the good I saw in him, even with all his hang ups and addictions. I could see the potential in him and sought to bring this goodness out of him. I was a fool. I was crazy in love -that's just it..Crazy. No smart woman would put up with crap like that. Love should never hurt that badly. One of his hang ups was a woman who was already married. He left me for her one day -left my world crushed into pieces, and my kids' hearts hurting as well. No good can come out of that. Adultery on any terms is destruction. I thought he was insane to leave when we seemed so in love together. I was under an illusion, though, and maybe it was just a one sided kind of love. I never should have given him a second chance when he came back the first time, but I thought that showing love and grace to him would make him realize the truth and depth of my love for him, and then he would learn to value me and the kids. He was and still is a wanderer -one who likes to just come and go. If life gets hard he goes "Dodge", just like his beat up old truck. Sometimes I could swear he loved me too, but not enough -not enough to stay. Not enough to be faithful. Not enough to provide or care for me and the kids. Not enough to fight for a better existence. I got tired of tears -of spending days and nights on my knees praying for a breakthrough or miracle that would set him free of the spiritual chains and bondage. I sometimes wonder: did I waste my love on him, or will he someday realize (if he ever gets set free and delivered) that I was a good woman who showed him what real love is? I may never get the answer, but it's okay. I know I deserve someone who appreciates what I have to offer and doesn't take it for granted. I'm not a back pocket kind of woman. I'm a keep me close to your heart kind of gal, and I deserve the very best. Loving a bad boy won't make him change. If he's good, then he already will want to be a better man on his own. No love from a good woman is going to make a bad boy better. He has to be willing to do it on his own. She loved him like Jesus does....Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives  Copyright 2013
Song lyrics by Eric Church http://youtu.be/RGF6c0tjAgI

In Love with Jesus

I am so grateful that my heart is no longer shredded in pieces from heartache and abandonment. Did I get my husband back? No, But I laid him on the altar and have found Poppa God has set me free. When you can get past trying to chase a man's love and affections, when you can stop dwelling on every single little word and action he is doing, when you can finally surrender and say, "Jesus, no matter what I'm going to trust You because I know You know what's best for me. With or without him, I will always serve and love You. I tell you that's when your true healing begins. A peace and contentment comes and you'll feel purpose and hope again. Then your heart is ready to be in love again...In love with Jesus. I am so in love with His presence -so in love with His beauty and goodness. Sometimes the testimony isn't what you wanted, but it will be what is truly best for you. I have found my treasure. I have found my worth -in Christ alone. God promised me love again. A Boaz that will walk into my life. Until then, I am so content and happy. I love encouraging women on their journeys of healing and sharing wisdom from the mistakes I have made. God is so faithful to bring good out of every circumstance if we trust Him.

Ash Heap Turned To Beauty

You've been standing on a heap of ashes -your burned up dreams.

You have been waiting for beauty.

Waiting for beauty to come again.

You have called out every day -wondering if He even remembers your name.

Seasons come and seasons go, but somehow this one has been so long.

Is it ever going to change?

All those silent tears will turn to perfume; their fragrance will sweeten the air.

Forever it will embed a pretty memory of your laughter and smile; you've trampled your fears.

Those who call out His name will not be left in shame.

He sees the struggles. He sees the pain.

You've lost love. You've lost friends. You've lost happy. You've lost yourself within.

You have wondered -is this the end of it all?

Close your eyes, dear one. Imagine yourself free.

Flying high -even higher than the eagles, on a sweet summer breeze.

Above the pain. Above the heartache. Above the disappointment.

Above it all -above everything.

Beauty is going to come again, and those ashes of dreams will be blown away.

Those who look to the Lord and stand in faith -it will not be in vain.

He hears you when you call on His name.

Hold on, dear one, hold on. Beauty is going to come. It's going to come to you again.

Written by Jenny Williams Copyright 2013 Ruby Wives All Rights Reserved. Please feel free to share for encouragement purposes. God bless.

A Moment

Clear memories remind me of that September fall day when the truth hit me, and I realized that he had not only abandoned me, but he had left me for another woman, a woman who was already married to someone else. I can still vividly recall the sobs of brokenness that literally took my breath away as I crumpled to the floor. The pain of emotions was like drowning in tidal waves, sending my soul crashing down again and again with no comfort or relief. Now, though, I can see that Poppa God was there with me the whole time...Ruby's Story.
(To be continued) ~Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives Copyright 2012 all Rights Reserved.
 Join me as I share my story, my heart, my testimony. Need prayer or support? Join us at: Ruby Wives

A Love Letter to All Brides

To the Bride who doesn't feel loved anymore...to the Bride who feels lost and alone in her marriage...to the Bride who feels like she is holding her family together alone...to the Bride who has been betrayed by the one she loves...to the Bride who has received the ultimate betrayal: being traded for another woman...to the Bride who soaks her pillow with tears every night...to the Bride who keeps a brave smile on her face even though every day is a struggle to get through...to the Bride who feels she can't ask for help because she feels embarrassment and shame...to the Bride who wonders, "What's wrong with me and why doesn't he love me anymore? What did I do wrong?"...to the Bride who feels her fairy tale dreams have been shredded to pieces along with her heart...to the Bride who has been lied to, cheated on, used, or abused...to the Bride who feels like she is competing with her husband's addictions: alcohol, drugs, pornography, or gambling -and waits to be loved more than these things...to the Bride who has tried everything to fix her marriage and feels tired and weary...to the Bride who receives no love or affection from the man who promised to be her lover, friend, protector, and provider...to the Bride who feels uncherished, unvalued, or unromanced...to the Bride who is facing unwanted divorce or separation from the love of her life...to the Bride who has been verbally abused with cruel words spoken so harshly, she feels like she can't escape from the pain of the words that have become thorns in her heart...to the Bride who worries about how to pay the bills or put food on the table for her children...to the Bride who struggles daily with physical pain and illness but still tries to make the best of it...to the Bride whose husband has had to leave her to serve his country, and she doesn't know if her soldier is ever coming back...to the Bride who doesn't feel good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, sexy enough, or strong enough -the answer is really so simple, beloved. A beautiful Bride you will always be to Jesus, and He wants you to know this: He understands your pain, your struggles, and your tears. He has been broken and betrayed by those He loved. He was beaten, abused, forgotten, and ridiculed. He knows, and He wants to hold you and carefully, gently heal your wounded heart. He loves you not based on what you do or don't do, He sees you as His beautiful, stain-free, spotless bride. He loves you...always. He won't leave you or abandon you. He will wipe your tear stained face, and He will not forget. "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book" Psalms 56:8. You are treasured in His heart and He sees you as the "Apple of His Eye". He celebrates you, He adores you, He cares for you, and He will be there for you. Let Him hold you when no one else will. Beloved, you are His Bride for eternity. These present circumstances will fade away, but His love for you will remain the same. "For I know the plans I have for  you." says the Lord, "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope ." Jeremiah 29:11. Written By Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives Copyright 2012 All Rights Reserved. Please feel free to share for encouragement purposes only. God bless.

Season Of Change

Have you been through the dark valley? Have you been in a drought of joy or peace? Have you suffered a season of brokenness and tears? Has it seemed to last so long that you feel like it's never going to change? There is a time for all seasons under heaven to change. Your time will come. My life is proof of this. I went through a very long dark night of the soul and I have found His grace has sustained me and brought me through. I wrote this spontaneous song in the shower:

He gives me His song of deliverance, His love song of praise. 

He will give you one too. Hold on, Beloved. 

Your time of joy will come, I'm praying for you.

The season of change is here, Love surrounding me..

 His joy has been my strength.

 The pain and suffering are like leaves that are falling 

and all that is left are Your promises that remain. 

In You I have found that I have nothing lacking. 

In You I have all that I have ever need of. 

The wind of Your spirit is swirling around me

 blowing away all the pain and the shame.. 

Your love is sweet and thick on me like honey,

 and dripping is Your mercy and favor on my face. 

 Your grace -double grace is now falling like rain. 

All those who misunderstood and perhaps misjudged me 

are blessing me in your glorious name. 

Through it all I have found You to be faithful and true. 

The air is sweet and Your breath I feel in this place. 

In the dark night You walked me through. 

You never left my side.

Jesus, Your joy is mine and I'm forever grateful and dancing this time.

 My tears are dried and my suffering is falling like leaves and are blown away

and all that is left are your promises that remain. Copyright 2012, Jenny Williams.

One Of Those Days

Sometimes I just want comfort, because the ache of missing someone is so great. I just don't want to get out of bed, because the thoughts haunt and linger like an old friend, and I wonder if they remember me. Sometimes I just don’t want to fake a smile, because the emotions are just way too close to the surface and it feels like I’m truly at the breaking point of a tear slipping down. No, thank you. I have come this far. So I just want to eat some chocolate, or maybe a comforting gourmet cheese sandwich with soup; but please, please don’t drag me anywhere. I’m just tired, very tired. I know this temporary feeling will pass just like a quick little rain shower. I’m not going backward, I refuse to do that. I’m going forward, if only someone could hold me and not say a word. Written by Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives Copyright 2012. All rights reserved.

Being God's Daughter

Being Poppa God's daughter doesn't change, even if we feel like we have totally blown it. Sometimes we feel like we're too much of a mess for God to love us, and we even begin to think no one else can love us either, especially if they really knew us. Going through much pain from my past abuse and abandonment, I know what I'm talking about. Growing up, I had a Dad who didn't pay much attention to me. I would have been a great Daddy's girl. It's just in me. I sometimes fill up with envy when I see young girls with their Dads. Why couldn't I have had that? Mine was there growing up, but not really there emotionally. I didn't get kisses and hugs good night. I didn't get tucked in bed by my Dad. He really didn't participate in my every day life. He was absent from birthday parties and milestones. Always longing for love and affection from my Dad, I tended to attract the wrong attention from the opposite sex. Because of this, I experienced abuse of every kind. I would always settle for less, just hoping to be loved. I didn't sleep around, but I did end up in relationships with unhealthy guys. Being abused mentally and physically. I even ended up marrying at the young age of 18 and living a nightmarish hell-on-earth experience being beaten, choked, fighting over a loaded gun, and my life being threatened. Those images have faded and barely seem real to me anymore, because I did survive and overcome. God was gracious and merciful. He brought me out to the other side. But even after deciding in my heart that I would never allow a man to hit me or to raise a hand to me again, I still would still accept a false love from other men. I traded physical abuse for being mentally and emotionally abused. The pattern would repeat itself, and for some reason, no matter much love I would pour out for the one I loved, I would be abandoned over and over again. I felt like a lost, scared little girl that so badly wanted her Daddy to love her. I let men degrade me and ruin my self confidence and esteem. I felt the pain of criticism when my second husband of thirteen years walked out on me. People at church judged me. I felt dirty, ashamed and embarrassed. I felt not good enough for anyone and wondering if I just plainly deserved to not be loved. At times I think my punishments to myself were worse than any physical blow to my body. Bruises heal up, words are are harder to overcome. Like stubborn permanent scars or tattoos. In all of this, I just wanted and craved to be loved. It's been a long journey of healing. A little at a time...many layers...like an onion. I still at times feel a pain in my heart wishing I could be a Daddy's girl, but I'm now relying on Poppa God to fill that role and hole in my heart. I write this to remind someone: anyone who feels ugly, broken, stained, useless, or abandoned. Even if you gave yourself away to another hoping to be loved. Even if you compromised your boundaries, received the wrong attention from a guy, either willingly or unwillingly, you are still loved. You are still precious. You are still God's daughter and He sees His righteousness in you. He doesn't see your robe or dress as dark, dingy, or tattered. He sees His love and grace as your clothing. Don't let the enemy lie to you. Don't let guilt and shame strip you of being confident in who you are. You are beautiful. You are SO worthy of being loved. And nothing...nothing can separate you from being loved by your Poppa God.

  Psalm 34:5 Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame."  Jeremiah 31:3 "The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: 'I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.'"  Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Isaiah 61:10 "I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels."

Poppa's Baby Girl By The Sea

I love the ocean. It's always a special place to me. I feel so little standing next to the massive sea. I sense God's power and beauty as I hear the waves crashing and lapping over my feet, enjoying the smell of the air and how clean it makes me feel. Truly God is everywhere, but I feel closest to Him at the beach. Sometimes I go here to find emotional healing and to clear my head of all the muck. There are no distractions, just His beauty and power. The aches of my heart have been many. Sometimes it feels this season will never end. I get strong some days, I think I'm finally better and then a memory or a song will send me crashing down like a sneaker wave. Great is His faithfulness! When I am overcome with grief -yet My Lord is with me and I make it through another piece of my broken vessel. There is purpose and a tangible plan that our Maker has when He is taking the pieces of our heart and fusing them back together. There is beauty even when there have been ashes. His love has so many levels -so deep, so vast, so wide, so mysteriously amazing. I can never fully comprehend His love. It's endless, just like the view of a horizon at sea -you see no end to it. Sometimes I feel so unworthy, so unlovable, so unvaluable, but they are lies, and just because I feel that way for the moment doesn't mean it's truth. What is constant? What is true? His love and mercy, grace and justice are as sure as the ocean tide coming in. I don't always see the end of this process. As I was walking on the wet sand and water was swirly around my ankles, I began to sink and I whispered, "I feel afraid, Poppa." He said to me so quietly, but so clearly: "You will not sink as long as you keep moving". I remember that day like a permanent fixture burned on my heart. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and move forward. I wrote all my cares and concerns of my heart on rocks with a sharpie pen and I prayed over each one of them and then I threw them into the sea. "Here, Poppa God. You can have it all."

You Are A Precious Treasure

God loves you. No matter what your husband or any other man says to you, you are valued. You are treasured, you are God's precious gem and the apple of His eye. Your value is not based on a man's approval, but on the very fact that God made you unique and just the way you are. He cares about your pain and heartache. He collects your tears in His bottle and records each and every one of them. He loves you so much that while you are sleeping He strokes your head and He knows exactly how many hairs are on it. I know you may feel a mess right now- tired, broken, and scared, but He promises that He is with you and He will never leave you. He will take your wounded heart and bind it up in His love and heal it. It will take time, but let Him. If you trust Him, He will take the ashes of your disappointments and pain and He will turn them into a pile of His treasures and make you shine again. Let Him kiss your tears away. It's going to be ok. You are worth infinitely more than all the diamonds and rubies in the entire world!

Liquid Golden Rain

Liquid Gold, Rain Down:

Our tears have been many, falling in a our secret place where we meet with You. They soaked upon our pillows, they fell at our feet. They fell when we could barely whisper Your name, Jesus. They fell silent in the shower as the water rushed over the weariness of the day. They fell down when we gave up in surrender, but these tears were not forgotten to your memory, Sovereign Lord, for Your memory is eternal, and You have captured them in Your bottles -each and every single one. They are like jewels. They have been kept in your sacred pavilion, and just as the melted snows of the mountains fall into the rivers, lakes and streams and evaporate into the heavens, returning as rains to nourish the flowers and the fields, so are these tears we've cried. They fall down as liquid golden rain, Your sweet presence, Your double Grace, Your intoxicating perfumed oil, Your golden iridescent lights glimmer off your daughters' faces and, oh, do we rejoice and dance in the rain: the former and the latter rains of Your glory and honor and strength! Our hands are lifted to You. Our faces glow in the rain of Your favor. Your golden rain soaks us until nothing but You is seen or heard. We twirl and dance and leap in liquid light of Your freedom, for Your promise has been that mourning will last for the night, but your joy comes in the morning. Your liquid rain washes away the traces of yesterday's pains and disappointments. Heaven's rains turn into floods of His living waters. We swim in this golden sea. We are drowned and captivated and swept away of His love.

His Cup and His Bread

I was on my knees at the foot of my bed talking to Poppa GOD about what I could do concerning my marriage and the situation.

"Is there anything I can do? Please show me, Lord." The answer came so quickly, so simply. I knew beyond a doubt that I recieved a direct answer. "Have Communion". I heard Him say to my spirit.
I said, "wow, Ok." I have to chuckle about that, but in that moment it clearly was a direction for me to go, so I went and got some italian bread that I happened to have on hand, and I poured some red wine. I got down on my knees in the place where I have met and prayed and cried out my tears to Poppa. To me it's a "Holy" place. Any place that you meet with JESUS regularly is a special place. I opened my Bible and tried to find the scriptures where Jesus had the last supper with His deciples before He was taken to be cruicifed, to be whipped and to be broken for us.

This is that passage:
Luke 22:17-20
17 After taking the cup, He gave thanks and said, “Take this and divide it among you. 18 For I tell you I will not drink again from the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes.”

19 And He took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.”

20 In the same way, after the supper He took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you.[a]

And also:

from Matthew 26:26-29

26 While they were eating, Jesus took bread, and when He had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to His disciples, saying, “Take and eat; this is my body.”

27 Then He took a cup, and when He had given thanks, He gave it to them, saying, “Drink from it, all of you. 28 This is my blood of the[b] covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. 29 I tell you, I will not drink from this fruit of the vine from now on until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father’s kingdom.”

I asked the Lord for the forgiveness of my sins andshort comings, my faults and any areas in which I have been at fault in my life and marriage. I remembered that the stripes that JESUS took upon His back were for my redemption, my healing...OUR HEALING. In MARRIAGE WE'RE "ONE", so on behalf of my husband, I went before Poppa in Worship. I firmly and truly believe that when we recieve communion we are recognizing and honoring what JESUS did for us. His blood, His broken heart and body, His rejection -everything He took upon Himself that day for us. That we can be made whole, be restored, be made new. This pleases Him and honors Him.

I believe one of the stripes was for the brokenhearted. He had a broken heart for us. He knows the tears we cry and the pain that engulfs us.
Psalm 147:3 says "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

As I took a drink of the wine to my lips, I thanked him for the healing and redemption that is for me and my husband. "I receive ALL the benefits of the cross and resurrection that you did for me and for us, Poppa".

I prayed specifically for the areas where my husband needs healing: depression, anger, hurt, pain, insomnia, etc., and anything that would hinder him from moving forward in all That the Lord has in store for his future. I believe that Poppa considers a marriage covenant as "Holy" and precious, so I put our wedding certificate at my feet and laid my hands upon it as I prayed and said "remember"....

I also took the bread and broke it and thanked Poppa for what He did. That His body was broken and bruised for our iniquities. This was for me and my husband. I cannot tell you how beautiful this moment of worship was to me. His presence was in the room. I felt a great peace settle over me. I have been doing this communion with Poppa for 8 days now. I can say that this time has been very special. Today is the anniversary of when Poppa took me to the heavenlies...to where I saw Him face to face. I remember Him telling me about worship and my husband. He said, "You are ONE, You worship together in spirit and in TRUTH." Those words have stuck with me since, so even though my husband isn't with me, we are still together bound in a covenant before OUR Father in Heaven. I sometimes can feel what he is feeling and sense when something isn't right. During those times, I pray hard for him as wife should do.

We are the BRIDE OF CHRIST. MARRIAGE is a symbol of CHRIST's love for the church. He even instructs for husbands to love their wives like He Himself did. Ephesians 5:25 says,"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." This how much He values marriage: His own name is on it.

For those who are struggling in your marriage, I ask that you take the time to get away and have communion with the Lord. If your spouse is willing, do it together. If not, just be open and have a heart to please our LORD. HE is with you. He loves to spend time with you. It pleases Him.

Hope Rising on the Horizon

Hebrews 11: 1

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."

I woke up this morning with a feeling something was finally changing, with the assurance that Poppa God has His hand moving upon the situation concerning my life and purpose. I have to admit, I honestly feel that for the past several weeks it has felt like I've been staggering and stumbling around completely in the dark,  not knowing what to do with this fragile and very tender-feeling heart of mine. My prayers have been,"Direct my heart, direct my desires and my will -my relationships. I don't trust my own, Poppa. Please cover me in your grace and protect me."

I haven't heard from my wayward husband in a long time, and I have wondered if he was dead or alive. I also wasn't sure which path to take anymore. So many of the wives have been faithfully and consistently praying and believing for their marriages to be restored, healed and made new. I honor them for their amazing courage and strength -persevering through the dark. Some not hearing from their beloveds for weeks, and some even months. What agony, because I know that for me, every day without him has been sheer agony, and I have shed rivers of tears and have even felt the earth beneath me become very heavy mud from my emotions and pain. It has been like thick sludge trying to forcefully keep myself moving forward, my legs of courage, weak with despair, trying to slow me down.
When I started this ministry I felt a huge commitment and responsibility that I must stand beside these wives and ferevently pray for their families to be touched, healed, and influenced by Poppa's amazing sweet love. I see the anointing of His fragrant, warm oil dripping and being poured out upon these brave women, their precious husbands and families. I see the hope and faith of happiness and beauty coming in the future for them -that even in this dark night of their soul, there is light -His LIGHT breaking through their forests of doubt and fears, abandonment and tears. Its branches are hellishly dark, and the shadows entangle, as though trying to grab you and pull you captive, away from belief, but these branches and shadows are just scary illusions. They are fears trying to convince us that things won't change, or that there's no hope. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. It's so incredibly and blatantly true, but there is HOPE. THERE IS TRUE LOVE. THERE IS FAITH.
( 1 Corinthians 13:13
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.)
The streaks of pink, red, orange and golden purple haze are and have been rising in the distance. I see the pure beauty of these beautiful women's hearts and their steadfast love for the ones who have hurt them, rejected them and abandoned them (some even in favor of another woman). I cry for them now. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I am writing this, because if only their husbands could see the selfless love and sacrifice  -pure love, true love, Agape love. No man in his right mind would want to escape this kind of love. Sadly, they are lost and blinded by their foolishness, pride, self doubt, and fears.
Colossians 1:5
the faith and love that spring from the hope stored up for you in heaven and about which you have already heard in the true message of the gospel.
1 Thessalonians 1:3
We remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.
1 Thessalonians 5:8
But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet.
I came across a song two days ago. The lyrics and tune have gripped me like a vice around my heart. Music has always been a way Poppa speaks with me. Music is truly my heartbeat. If I could sing every word I say, I probably would...lol.

When I say I Do:
Matthew West

There must be a God, I believe its true.
Cause I can see His love, when I look at you.
And he must have a plan for this crazy life.
Because He brought you here and placed you by my side.

chorus:
And I have never been so sure of anything before,
Like I am in this moment here with you
Now for better or for worse are so much more than only words
And I pray everyday will be the proof
That I mean what I say when I say 'I do'
Yeah I mean what I Say when I say 'I do'

You see these hands you hold, will always hold you up
When the strength you have just aint strong enough
And what tomorrow brings, only time will tell
But I will stand by you in sickness and in health

'Cause I have never been so sure of anything before
Like I am in this moment here with you
And now 'for better or for worse'
Are so much more than only words
And I pray every day will be the proof
That I mean what I say when I say 'I do'
Yeah I mean what I say when I say

Take my hand and take this ring
And know that I will always love you through anything.

And as the years march on like a beating heart
I will live these words 'til death do us part'

'Cause I have never been so sure of anything before
Like I am in this moment here with you
And now for better or for worse
Are so much more than only words
And I pray everyday will be the proof
That I mean what I say when I say 'I do'
Ya I mean what I say when I say 'I do'

This song has haunted me day and night. I wake up hearing this song, and I fall asleep with it in the back of my mind. I feel the answer I have been searching, seeking for a long time to somehow capture the answer. I can't say my husband will come back, or that he even loves me or wants me, but I do know that my future has this song for a reason. Every time it's played, my spirit is stirred to the point of faith. I honestly can say that I had run out of hope this past week. I told Poppa that I didn't have anymore hope or faith and that if HE wants to, He could put it back in my heart, but that I was done with my efforts, done with the heartache and the struggle, done with trying to be so strong for everyone else when I myself felt like I was sinking; sinking in darkness, sinking in hopelessness, sinking in my human efforts of trying to conjure up my own faith, hope and love, sinking in my desire for safety and security, sinking in the desperation of wanting to hear from Poppa and my husband, sinking in the wondering if he's dead or alive, sinking in the worries of what others think, sinking in my disappointments, sinking into the tiredness of this crazy struggle, sinking in my questions and desire for truth. How will I even survive this? I should have drowned by now. I felt myself being pulled with a current, and not having the power to stop mself from being swept away by it's undeniable strength. Let me tell you, it has felt so dark...so bleak, not knowing which direction I was going in.

I love my husband, I always will. Don't get me wrong. It's normal for someone who has committed their heart and life to another to feel this way. A good friend reminded me of this. Even though so many around me would say he doesn't deserve my love or that I should move on, I have resolved that even if we never get back together, I know for the rest of my life I will feel that I have to believe for him, believe in him and that he will get better. He will be healed. He will be set free from the torments of darkness, that blinding darkness which he doesn't want and wishes he could break free from. I've fought his demons before, just for short periods of time. No human should ever have to endure it on a daily basis, and he does. I guess I was the angel on this earth that believed in a purpose and a plan for him. It's not that I feel the need to rescue him, because I don't. I know there's no possible way for me to free him from this- ONLY POPPA CAN. I sometimes wonder if Poppa is just waiting for him to surrender and say,"I can't get out. Please free me!" I pray this day comes for him soon.
I know that he has music that needs to come out of him. I know that he has souls to influence. I know he makes imprints on others' lives wherever he goes, and someday it's going to be for good, not for heartaches, abandonment, grief and loss. He has a way with people and animals that makes you melt a million times over. Yeah, I know, I still love him, but I'm willing to let that love go just to be in Poppa's will. I know that whomever I am meant to be married to will be the right one. Not by my choosing, not by my power of changing someone's heart, but by Poppa's plan unfolding. All I know is, I mean what I say when I say I do. Just like the song.

This passage of scripture is pretty clear about FAITH:

Faith in Action:
1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. 2 This is what the ancients were commended for.
3 By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.

4 By faith Abel brought God a better offering than Cain did. By faith he was commended as righteous, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith Abel still speaks, even though he is dead.

5 By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death: “He could not be found, because God had taken him away.”[a] For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. 6 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

7 By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that is in keeping with faith.

8 By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. 9 By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. 10 For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God. 11 And by faith even Sarah, who was past childbearing age, was enabled to bear children because she[b] considered him faithful who had made the promise. 12 And so from this one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore.

13 All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. 14 People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. 15 If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.

17 By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had embraced the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, 18 even though God had said to him, “It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned.”[c] 19 Abraham reasoned that God could even raise the dead, and so in a manner of speaking he did receive Isaac back from death.

20 By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau in regard to their future.

21 By faith Jacob, when he was dying, blessed each of Joseph’s sons, and worshiped as he leaned on the top of his staff.

22 By faith Joseph, when his end was near, spoke about the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt and gave instructions concerning the burial of his bones.

23 By faith Moses’ parents hid him for three months after he was born, because they saw he was no ordinary child, and they were not afraid of the king’s edict.

24 By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. 25 He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. 26 He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. 27 By faith he left Egypt, not fearing the king’s anger; he persevered because he saw him who is invisible. 28 By faith he kept the Passover and the application of blood, so that the destroyer of the firstborn would not touch the firstborn of Israel.

29 By faith the people passed through the Red Sea as on dry land; but when the Egyptians tried to do so, they were drowned.

30 By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the army had marched around them for seven days.

31 By faith the prostitute Rahab, because she welcomed the spies, was not killed with those who were disobedient.[d]

32 And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson and Jephthah, about David and Samuel and the prophets, 33 who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, 34 quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. 35 Women received back their dead, raised to life again. There were others who were tortured, refusing to be released so that they might gain an even better resurrection. 36 Some faced jeers and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. 37 They were put to death by stoning;[e] they were sawed in two; they were killed by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— 38 the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, living in caves and in holes in the ground.

39 These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, 40 since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect. Hebrews 11:1-40

Ghosts

last night the air was hot and muggy. I was restless, and it seemed that memories were lingering, deciding to stick to me just like the humidity. A scent caught me by surprise in my room...his smell. I don't know where it came from, but it harassed me just enough to bring some unshed tears to the surface. Ones that must have been hidden from my progress of moving forward.

The smell wafted to my nose, beguiling me like a ghost that had walked into the room of my heart. I went and grabbed the sweat shirt of his that I stumbled upon a while back. It holds his scent so strongly. I knelt at the foot of my four poster victorian bed. The place where I met with Poppa so many times concerning our marriage. There in the darkness, only lit by the blare of the TV, I buried my face along with my hot flowing tears into that shirt. Why?
I wondered if he thought of me. I wondered if he ever regretted what he had done to me -to my heart and even my soul. I wished he felt torturous pain -the loneliness that his actions had caused. I wept and prayed hard and fervently, knowing other wives are feeling this anguish just as much as I, or even more. My thoughts have been wrestling with my heart, just as Jacob wrestled with the angel of God. I'm honestly not sure who won last night, but I had some release. These hidden tears had to come out. They always seem to find their way out at the most unexpected times.

I whispered in the darkness. "Poppa, I still love him, please take it away. If he's really never coming back, take it completely away, deliver me." I even felt oddly like I was seeking permission to love him. Was it safe to? After some time, I put the sweatshirt back where I found it. As tempted as I was to sleep with it, I chose not to. I refuse to go backward. I will move forward. I crawled into my bed and began to pray and interceed for the other women, the ones I have really come to love. Miles might keep us from seeing each other face to face, but it's their prayers, their tears, their posts and their words which have brought us close as dear sisters and friends, bound together by our similar paths and difficult journeys we have had to walk. "Please God, bring healing, bring hope, and answer the cries of their hearts."

Today in the shower I came to the place of realizing this heart of mine is still broken. I had a heart to heart with Poppa. I finally humbly admitted that no matter what I do in my own humanness and my own determined efforts, I can't heal my own brokenness. I guess I fooled myself into thinking I was healed. None of the smiles I carry on my face, no christian bumper sticker or cliche, no amount of holding it all together and being strong enough can make this pain disappear. It has become less and less, but it still shows up along with the memories -like haunting ghosts.
I appraoched Poppa and asked Him to deliver me from being broken. No other male affections, no human approvals, no new pair of shoes or any earthly riches, not even time can change this fact. Caring people say that time can heal all wounds -not necessarily true. This is the lesson I have learned. I've seen people who have been broken for years. Nothing can fill the gaping holes but Poppa. I have felt impatient, wishing this process to be hurried along. I've even pleaded, "Just take me back there, back to heaven, and heal me again like you did before." I find He seems to do things differently much of the time, whatever His reason. He is God and He is not figured out, but I'm pretty sure I heard His still quiet voice say, "Can you remain broken just a little longer?"
Why would He say that? Me be broken even more?? For longer?????

Out of this brokenness, I know there is beauty, that there is purpose, but it makes no earthly sense. It's strange and weird, and I'm sure others don't understand. They probably think I just want to stay this way just for attention or to remain a victim, but in my reality, I have come to the place that in my true brokenness, it is there that Poppa brings the best out of me; it's the fragrance of His love, humility and openness that He can work with. If it were not for my shattered state, I would not be reaching out to other human hearts in the capacity that this trial has allowed. The prayers and words of encouragement would not flow in this vast of a supply. It is not because of my endeavor or abilities, but because of Christ in me, making it all happen for His purpose.
So I surrender to His doings. I have to trust His timing. I know He won't leave me in this place forever. There will be complete healing, but it will be in His way and in His timing. In the meantime I need to remember and not forget. I have the promise from Him that He will make me better and more beautiful than before. That's our deal. Out of the ashes beauty will rise, so even though it feels so unfair (it's so confusing and heart wrenching at times), even though I miss the one who deserted me and left me shredded into pieces, I choose to move forward. There will be days of tears, but I do have the promise of better days to come.

Philippians 3:13
Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.

Rocks

Yesterday the feelings of deep grief were intense. I was trying to let go of the one I love so much. I called my momma and she prayed with me. I once again went for a walk and ended up at the river, at the park where we had our first kiss. It pained me standing in the spot where that kiss was, but it brought comfort at the same time. It was a bright sunny day and pretty hot, so I ended up on the riverbank wading into the water. The water felt cool and refreshing. I started throwing rocks. I found a big rock that was such a perfect invitation for me to sit and talk to Poppa God. I believe He placed it there just for me. I sat there and cried, letting my feet soak in the cool water. Me and Poppa have this thing- I write words. My cares and my concerns on rocks and then throw them into the ocean. I am always reminded that POPPA GOD is so much bigger than me and my trifle problems as I release them and throw them into the sea. Sweet surrender begins to happen, so I began to throw rocks, praying over each one....one by one. Hearing the sound of plop each time they landed into the river. I didn't have a sharpie to write the words, but I named them as I threw them to Poppa. My fears, my broken heart, my husband...the one I love, the hurts, the disappointments, the judgements and criticisms from others, the anger, the betrayals -even the woman who stole him from me once and who continues to try...forgiveness, letting go...surrender, letting go of the thoughts, my self esteem that's been damaged. Please take it all. Take the rest, You can have it all. As I was listening to worship music and praying, I lifted my hands unto the surrender that I needed.

Jesus Christ is the Rock...the eternal sure foundation, my resting place, my place of worship, my altar.

Psalm 61:2
From the ends of the earth I call to You, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

Psalm 31:3
Since You are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of Your name, lead and guide me.

Thank You, Lord that I can call on You.That I have a safe place to stand upon when the waves come crashing around me.

All that is lost will be found in You

MY Prayer:

Heal our hearts. Mend our lives. Capture us again. Keep us from running from you. Captivate any thoughts that are not of You. Let forgiveness win. Pull bitterness out by the root. Sow in seeds of everything that is good and of You. Quench our thirst with only You. Nothing else...no one else, nor any other thing will do. Feed our souls with Your bread. Let our voices speak only what is kind. May we sing. We will shout Your praise every time. What's been cut, what's been two-sided...bring us back to you as "one" and undivided. Bring "us" back to You. All that was lost is and will be found in You. Amen.

Walks With Poppa

I love the smell of a summer night's air, the tantalizing mixture of blackberries, juniper, and roses that mingle for me as I pass them by. I'm so thankful for the road I live on. It's long and peaceful and has massive tall pine trees and cute adorable houses with picture perfect flowers of every kind. This road has been my friend. Me and Poppa God have talks on this road. I listen to worship music, I cry, I talk, daydream, analyze and sort through the muck of my emotions. Each footstep seems to lead me toward healing. I walk almost daily now for at least an hour or more. Sometimes I never want to stop, but to just keep going, going, going -far away from the agonizing pain and this inevitable heartache. Where's the off switch? Sometimes I get startled and honked at from the peculiar gawking guys. I really don't understand why they find it necessary to frighten a woman by hooting and hollering out a car window. Oh well.

I miss him -miss my beloved husband so much. We used to walk on this road together...holding hands and talking about the future. Our future. The plans Poppa God had for us. I miss the man who loved me and would stop and protect me from passing cars. He made feel safe and cherished during those times. Where did he go? How does love just disappear so quickly? I blame his illness. His crazy mind. His moods and depression, but sometimes I have this fear...these thoughts that maybe it was me. Maybe I really wasn't good enough to keep his heart captivated.
I try so hard to forget the love I have for him. He's hurt me too deeply. I'm bothered that He just wouldn't see my love as valuable. Why? Poppa, Why? My kids and I were like bright shiny stars in the sky, but he just wouldn't look up at us. I wish that night didn't happen -when he walked out the door....walked out on us, turned his back on his family. What makes a man just leave and forget all that is precious? What makes a man leave all that is good: family, love, faith? I wasn't perfect. He got annoyed that I would say "I love you" so much, but I always wanted him to feel secure -to never doubt that he was loved or valued. I know I tried with every breath I took. My vow to him was that I would always try to bring him good every day of his life. The problem was, he didn't value himself or the life Poppa gave him. I still have torments from the night he tried to kill himself. Those images I can't get out of my brain.

So I walk. I walk and talk with Poppa. I tell Him to take me back to heaven, to the place where he healed me the first time my husband broke my heart -the place of no hurts and pure love and peace. "Poppa, take me back...I want to go back. I don't want to feel this anymore." Maybe some night in my dreams, He will take me there again.

Music, the night air and streaks of beautiful pink sky...The promise of a better day to come.
My skin is golden tan and my hair is blonder than ever from the hours of walking Ive done these past weeks. I look like a california girl..lol. Still dusk is my favorite..When the air is muggy and sweet smelling and there's a slight breeze. For years me and Poppa have had this thing between us..Whenever I see the wind blowing on my walks I know it's Him saying hello to me. The tops of the trees swaying..The sounds of the leaves rustling and dancing....His wind blowing across my face. I even taught my kids this when they were little. I still recall when my daughter was 5 or 6- Hearing her say as she was on the swing in our backyard, "Hello,Jesus". It took my breath away seeing those words from her tiny voice. :)

I can hear Poppa say to me, "Do not fear,baby girl. I am with you. I will never leave you or forsake you. Trust me. It will all be ok".

I love you, Poppa God. <3 a="" break="" class="separator" div="" feet="" from="" my="" near="" of="" one="" river="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;" taking="" the="" walks="" y="">

Garters and Stockings

This may be the hardest thing to write, but I feel I need to share. I know other women hurt from what husbands say or don't say in the bedroom. Oh, how I loved him -adored him- and would have given anything for him. Our passion was like electricity at times. Just looking at each other from across the room. My heart always filled up with butterflies ..every single time I saw him -even at his worst, his ugliest, and meanest. He had days of passion for me that would then slip into his walls going up. He would become distant and cold. Then it would turn to anger, and finally rage. I never understood the reasons, but I would wait. I would keep waiting ...waiting ...waiting for him to make love to me -to desire me. Bedtime was torture at times. I laid there wondering what was wrong with me. He would tell me, "You're beautiful and hot." but then he would just make excuses for why he wouldn't be with me. The times we were together were special to me. Even though sometimes I would think the foreplay could be better, or that we could actually try something new; to me, just being with him was enough. I was satisfied to be with the man I was completely in love with.
One night he was drunk. He nearly cried telling me how beautiful and hot I was, but he couldn't do anything because he was so messed up physically. He didn't feel worthy, because he felt he wasn't a good provider. It broke my heart that he felt that way, because I always loved him anyway ...he was my man.

Harsh words were said that evening, the night he walked out the door. He broke me as a woman -the very essence of who I am as woman. He cut me deeply, shredding me into pieces. He lied and said he wasn't romantically in love with me. I believe in my heart it was a lie, because when he wasn't in  his shut-down or anger phase, he did desire me. I'm not sure if he just believed this lie for himself or if he just made this up to find a reason to abandon me. Even our wedding night -he forgot the tender moments. I cried so hard.
I had tried so hard to be what he wanted and needed. I remember going to Victoria's Secret and buying the lingerie that he liked -garters and stockings. I was so excited to come home and show him, but once again he had no response to the act of love I had done for him. He doesn't know the hurt I felt that night. I never did get to use them. They stayed in the bag ...waiting -just like me. He would tell me I look so beautiful when I'm asleep. He would look over and gaze at me. I don't understand. I don't know why my soft skin or body which he said he loved and was perfect for him -he would just reject. I know he suffers depression, so I was patient. I waited for the sweet loving, caring man to emerge. The one who had fire for me, but he only came out once in a while. Kisses, holding hands -they came only when he would let his walls down. I always thought I was a safe, soft place for him to land -a safe refuge and comfort if he needed me, but for some reason it felt like I wasn't allowed the same thing. I miss him so much. I miss when we kissed. He always wanted a passionate woman ...one who desired and wanted him. That was who I was. We were a match made in heaven it seemed...

but The lies he convinced himself of stripped everything away -just as fast as lingerie gets taken off of a beautiful body. Why couldn't he just appreciate what he had in front of him? Our wedding rings have the words inscribed on them: I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine. Solomon 6:3 I miss my lover, my husband, my best friend. Written By Jenny Williams  Copyright 2011