Saturday, July 23, 2011
It Feels Like Tonight
It's been a few weeks since he left. When he said he was just going for a walk to cool off, but didn't come back. This was the norm for him, for our lives. I would cry for days. Frantic, on my knees crying out to Poppa. Praying he would come back. Worried sick if he was ok, fighting my tormented feelings, wondering if he was going back to her...the one who convinced him to leave me before, trying hard not to give in to fear, because with love there should be no fear.
I cleaned our room.Well, some of it...lol. What I got done with, it was progress: My bed. Our bed...still trying to get used to the empty side. 2 a.m. still haunts me, because he inevitably would be up at that hour on his lap top with me sleepily looking over with a smile on my face whispering," I love you, baby".
I found a sweet little note as I was going through his stuff on his side of the bed. One of my surprises that I had tucked away for him to find. "To my best friend, my lover, my husband- You're smokin' hot". I had hid it in his smokes. I'm always cheeezy that way, but he said he liked me that way.
I've been seeing friends, hanging out, going places. Doing things I love. A man paid me a compliment and told me I was gorgeous. It made my day- maybe even my week. I needed that.
As a woman, I miss how he made me feel beautiful, but he stopped noticing. The light bulb that made me glow was burnt out.
I do photo therapy. I photograph myself with different lighting- especially natural light. I'm fascinated by portraits. Not of myself, just portraits in general. Someday I will get a decent camera and take pics of others.
I see the hurt and loss in my eyes. This woman who is choosing to be strong and brave, but is oh so very tired of it all.