Sunday, July 24, 2011

Green Shirt

Last night was a full night. I went to the waterfront in downtown Portland, sipped wine, watched the sunset, walked on the pier ,took beautiful photos, rode a man-driven carriage, got sprayed with the most amazing fountain. It was a warm, balmy night, and there were lovers and families out everywhere. Even though I was in the most romantic of places to be, and there were sights and pleasant smells for me to engage in, my mind still could not forget the sadness, wishing I was with my husband -the one who is supposed to be by my side. I'm so thankful for the opportunities and so happy to be out experiencing life, but it just still feels so empty when it's not with the one you love and wish you could share it with. He has taught me to live without his love and I'm learning to practice this agonizing, heart-wrenching lesson. Lessons I never desired to even know from him, having to go even one day or night without the one you love.
I went home and climbed into my empty sad bed. Curled up with the green shirt. His shirt. I know I have to let it go...let him go. His natural scent mixed with the notes of his cologne. It's been the only security I could feel when he would leave me stranded alone waiting up for him at night; waiting, crying and praying for him to come home. So many times I went through this. I don't even understand fully how he could or would do this to me, or if he even knew the pain or damage it caused me all those times. The truth is, I never should have put up with that -him coming and going as he pleased. The kids and I were only an option for him. I'd make excuses for him, because I just didn't want to lose him again, but the truth was that I was taken for granted, I and everything I so freely would offer.
I almost washed that shirt a couple of days ago, but I knew. I knew his smell would be gone, just like He is. His scent is fading, just like the love in my heart is for him. As for tonight, tonight I will crawl into bed and try desperately to fall asleep cuddling close to his shirt against my cheek. Hopefully no tears come, because I'm really so damn tired. Good night green shirt. Written by Jenny Williams,  Copyright 2011

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