Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Beauty is emerging and treasures are found
Poppa (God) has been doing amazing things in me. The pain is still there, but not as bad. The ache still comes, but now I use it for prayer for the one who hurt me so deeply. I never thought forgiveness would be an issue for me. I usually always forgive quickly, but this time Poppa said, "You have to forgive him" and I honestly have to confess, it was a struggle, but I said "yes"...please help me.
I know I still love him, because there are times I feel a strong sense of praying for him -that feeling that can't be dismissed. He needs healing, he needs restoration and freedom from bondages. I guess thats whats called Agape love- Poppa's love, because my heart's desire is that he will be set free and be able to be all that God has called and purposed for him. This is a huge treasure in my heart, a treasure for Poppa, because he is a child of God too.
Romantically, my heart is shut down, and the walls are tall and wide. No one can get in but Poppa. The hurt is too much to feel anything romantic. The ugliness, the brokenness, the ashes, the disappointment, the rejection, and the abandonment are just too overwhelming right now.
I finally feel like something beautiful is emerging -it's coming out. I've been in the fire and continue to be. It's a painful process, but If I can keep my eyes on my Savior, I can make it through.
There are different levels and types of beauty. I believe Poppa has heard the cry of my heart and that I will shine for His purpose and glory so I can impact other's lives. He's answering, it's so painful, but it will be worth it. His glory rests upon my character and heart -forever stamped, tattooed on my soul. He is the lover of my soul, the song of my heart, the perfume I wear, the wine I drink. There's nothing that compares to this priceless treasure. Someday I will meet a man who will cherish this about me, because he too cherishes poppa.
Do my arms long to be physically held? Yes, always. My heart longs to love another that will appreciate and accept my love. I was meant to be a lover, best friend, and help mate. It's who I am.