Beauty From Brokenness

We are almost half way through the 90 Day Challenge, and still women are joining. Praise God for His awesomeness in our lives. My week was very meaningful, fitful, moving, and even beautiful. A lot happened this week for me and, I believe, for you as well. Thank you so much for your prayers for my healing. Some even fasted for me- God bless you richly for that. There are not enough words to express my love and gratitude for you. I am on the way to being healed. He is healing me -it's a beautiful process. I know He is making a way even when there seemed to be no way. One thing pivotal for me- a huge eye opener to my heart- I was asked, "Have you forgiven yourself?" Wow. That stopped me in my tracks. "Why, no, I haven't." I said a prayer and got healed by letting go of the mistakes and unwise decisions I have made in the past -especially in the area of choosing to love men who won't love me back. My Dad wasn't around much growing up. Some of you know my story of being abandoned by two husbands- The last one broke my heart the most, because I can honestly say l love him the most. Heartache has been a painful journey, but God has been using it for good and has made me more beautiful because of it. I look at people differently. I know how to love unconditionally. To see others through Christ's eyes. I learned that a heart wanting to be loved is what we all crave. I learned you can't make someone love you. You can't make them stay, you can't make them keep their word or make them change. They have to choose themselves if they are going to love, stay, forgive, or walk away. I overcame something this week. I stopped chasing after affection. I gave up on man and realized it's pointless to try to get love from someone. One thing about passionately pursuing Jesus is that He pursues us too. He doesn't reject our love and He doesn't abandon. He loves us regardless. I noticed a lot of physical changes. My skin is just as smooth as butter- super silky!!! I tried on old clothes and they fit better and look better. I have to say I think my favorite body part right now would be my butt :) It's looking cute. I'm almost laughing at that, but it's true. My skin is golden from the tanning I have done- This is my reward for working out at the gym. I started taking ROYAL JELLY 2-3 times a day. It has been giving me a boost. You are what you eat- so I must be royalty :). My hunger has changed, and I don't just mean food. I'm into the Word more. I'm hungrier for spending time in His presence. Good changes...You can never get too much of GOD. :) I have been pushing my workouts more. It's good.

Being Pushed

Wow is all I can say, and thank you, God, that you're bringing changes to my life. I sometimes don't like to say the word "surrender" because it seems scary with the unknown that follows. My heart has been crying out for help in the areas that I need changing. There's plenty of need for change. Poppa God is pushing me out of my comfort zone, toward things He placed on my heart years ago: callings and gifts He has blessed me with. For so long I have been on an invisible shelf, collecting the dust of days going by. I'm sure part of it was just the process of growth and refining my character, but now that I have been stepping out into the water, I feel myself being dusted off by God and underneath the grime of disappointments, rejections of others, and insecurities. I find myself being made shiny and new -even pretty. It's something I felt I had lost, but I'm now realizing it was there all along, I just couldn't see it. I have gotten my music back, my singing in the Holy Spirit back, prophetic words and songs back, and I feel Him pushing me to start using those gifts and talents again. Scary, but fantastically cool. I just have to remember that He is with me. He is with me in all I do for Him. I'm not alone in this, and you're not alone in this -in what God has for you to do. God is with you as you step out in faith and allow yourself to be vulnerable to others. I see prayers being answered in my ministry of fighting for marriages and families. I see prayers being answered in my personal life as well -things I just about gave up on are coming forth. Wow, God! Sometimes I think we feel stuck in a dark, dank dungeon, and we can't ever get out, but sometimes I think Poppa God has already removed our shackles, but we don't notice. We're like elephants, who even though they are no longer chained and staked to the ground, won't go past the invisible line, because off their memory of being restrained. I must go past the length of chain I once was restrained by, and I hear Poppa God say, "You're free. You are truly free. MOVE"

I am hoping for and expecting the rest of the resources and tools I need to move forward into what God has called me to. A music team that flows in the spirit to prophetic songs. It will happen -courage and bravery to speak to the ladies at the women's retreat coming up -healing for my body. I'm praying and fasting this week. I've got to get away and hide in the cleft of the rock. I want to see His face more. That's the thing with His presence- it gets addictive, and there's nothing else that satisfies, but His LOVE. I pray all of you who are on your journey of transformation- you are "FREE" and you must walk past that barrier line that you have had for so long. There's so much more for you than you could ever comprehend. "You are free Oh, Daughter! Free!" Love ya gals, and I'm expecting to hear from you about what God is doing in your hearts, lives and bodies. Next level!!!

Changes: Week 3 (90 Day Challenge of Transformation)

I won't lie, this third week was hard. It took me all week to even write it- forgive me...

...but I did see changes in my character, and also my body. I went and tried clothes on and was gleefully delighted as they glided on easily. I fought frustration and physical pain, because the weather hasn't been favorable to me. Also my ministry was attacked. Blahh is how I felt some of this past week, but I came through the tests with grace and I feel there is growth, Praise God! I have learned that you just have to keep moving forward, even if it feels like there aren't any results. A couple of days do matter when eating healthy and exercising. I love my friends in the challenge and family who have supported me. This whole experience has been VERY challenging. I am not one who usually is naturally disciplined so for me to lead a group of ladies on this 90 day expedition has been humbling and has caused me to learn to follow through. Some of the gals didn't like a picture I posted of a woman who was smiling with her flaws showing. I felt it was healing, so I just pushed aside my desire to people please, and did what I felt was right. Wow, It was huge for me!!!! I will not always please man, but I must strive to Please GOD. That is what matters and He smiles and approves, not because I deserve it, but because He is LOVE and GRACE. I am getting thinner and my skin is looking fabulous, but inside I'm getting stronger too. I am His daughter and He loves me. Knowing this and walking in this daily is my desire. A Queen knows her place and her authority as she submits to Christ her KING. We are truly becoming a queen after the heart of our King.

Poppa's Baby Girl By The Sea

I love the ocean. It's always a special place to me. I feel so little standing next to the massive sea. I sense God's power and beauty as I hear the waves crashing and lapping over my feet, enjoying the smell of the air and how clean it makes me feel. Truly God is everywhere, but I feel closest to Him at the beach. Sometimes I go here to find emotional healing and to clear my head of all the muck. There are no distractions, just His beauty and power. The aches of my heart have been many. Sometimes it feels this season will never end. I get strong some days, I think I'm finally better and then a memory or a song will send me crashing down like a sneaker wave. Great is His faithfulness! When I am overcome with grief -yet My Lord is with me and I make it through another piece of my broken vessel. There is purpose and a tangible plan that our Maker has when He is taking the pieces of our heart and fusing them back together. There is beauty even when there have been ashes. His love has so many levels -so deep, so vast, so wide, so mysteriously amazing. I can never fully comprehend His love. It's endless, just like the view of a horizon at sea -you see no end to it. Sometimes I feel so unworthy, so unlovable, so unvaluable, but they are lies, and just because I feel that way for the moment doesn't mean it's truth. What is constant? What is true? His love and mercy, grace and justice are as sure as the ocean tide coming in. I don't always see the end of this process. As I was walking on the wet sand and water was swirly around my ankles, I began to sink and I whispered, "I feel afraid, Poppa." He said to me so quietly, but so clearly: "You will not sink as long as you keep moving". I remember that day like a permanent fixture burned on my heart. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and move forward. I wrote all my cares and concerns of my heart on rocks with a sharpie pen and I prayed over each one of them and then I threw them into the sea. "Here, Poppa God. You can have it all."

Becoming A Woman Of Prayer

Becoming A Woman Of Prayer

Living a lifestyle of prayer is important. It makes your spiritual walk and personal relationship with God grow closer. Prayer to me is just like talking to an individual. I say anything that's on my mind and heart to Poppa God (my personal name I call God). He knows our thoughts even before we speak them. He enjoys spending time with us.

To fast is to give up something that is valuable to you for a time in order to devote yourself to prayer and the Lord's service. Many forgo food. Some may give up using the Internet or other media. Really, you can choose anything that would be distracting or take up a lot of your time -time that you could be using instead to be fellowshipping with the Lord. PLEASE NOTE: If you have medical conditions such as diabetes that would require you to have a certain diet- I HIGHLY recommend talking to your physician first before giving up food. You can always just fast sweets and chocolate or anything pleasurable. I believe God honors the heart more than the sacrifice. Just do what you can to spend more time with God.

As mothers, wives, workers, ministers, etc., we know how busy life is. You may not have enough hours in a day to just be on your knees praying, but you DO HAVE minutes; and praying in intervals throughout the day can easily add up to horus. Five minutes of prayer is better than none. JUST BE LOOKING FOR OPPORTUNITIES AND BE PRAYER MINDED. Here are a few examples and ideas that I have found that work for incorporating more prayer and Bible reading time:

■In the shower or while taking a bath.
■while putting your makeup on or doing your hair (I talk to God a lot while doing this)
■Restroom breaks
■In the car while driving somewhere. even if you have small children in the car you can do this -praying out loud in front of your kids is good for them. They listen and they learn from you.
■In lieu of a TV program: Turn the TV off. How many hours do you normally watch programs? Use some of this time for prayer instead.
■In the waiting rooms of doctors offices or school appointments
■When stopped at a red light or waiting for traffic to clear
■While working out at the gym or on a walk (I talk to God a lot during those times).
■While cooking dinner (the best tacos are made while worshipping God or praying).
■In lieu of a nap (trust me, you will be more refreshed and energized by spending time with GOD than you would with sleeping)
■While cleaning or vacuuming (I spent lots of times talking to God while doing this).
■Lunch breaks at work or school

These are just a few ideas, but see? There are more than enough opportunities for us to spend time in prayer with GOD.

A few tips I have found helpful when fasting:

■Don't try to give up your normal cup of coffee in the morning. You don't want to start your fast with a headache. If you decide that you want to give up caffeine, do it gradually -such as one cup the first day, a half cup the next day, etc., until you have slowly eliminated your intake.
■Drink plenty of water and keep hydrated.
■If you're giving up meat, you can eat mushrooms, beans, eggplant, etc. These are good alternatives, and you still will get some protein in your body.
■Nutritional shakes that contain vitamins are helpful if you are skipping meals.
■Keep away from the media.TV, Internet, Radio, etc. Whatever keeps your focus away form meditating on the Word.
■Keep your house an atmosphere of worship. Play worship music, light candles, etc. This makes it inviting for peace and quiet.
■Include your children in prayer and Bible reading. This brings everyone together.
■Be searching, reflective, and repentant. Ask God what areas of your heart and life need to be dealt with. This leaves room in your heart for MORE OF GOD.
■Meditate on the WORD. Place scriptures on your wall, mirrors, or places where you will see them often.
■Keep your Bible handy as well as paper and pen. Then when something speaks to you, you can write it down.

These are just a few ideas to get you started. Remember to forgive yourself if you blow it one day. This isn't supposed to be legalistic or used as a tool to heap condemnation on yourself. IT'S THE HEART THAT MATTERS MORE THAN THE SACRIFICE.

~Jenny Williams

Good bye, Lie

Today is New Year's Eve, and so it's fitting to write this at this moment. A few days before Christmas, I learned the harsh and painful truth that what I was in love with was a pure lie. His touch, his glance into my eyes, his empty promise to stay true to me forever -they were all lies. I think of our wedding day and the pain seems both real and surreal -knowing he never intended or meant the words "I Do". It was just part of the sick, twisted and cruel game he played. I was the fool who so lovingly and willingly played, and now know I was never the prize. I would never win. There would only ever be loss for me. What makes a man use a woman like that? I was his pawn ...his trade-in until the next woman came along. Our wedding night, him playing his guitar, him telling me I was beautiful in the soaking pools, his arms cradling me in the water -it was all a lie.
I never imagined that I would marry a con-man. That isn't exactly a girl's dream to one day marry someone who would break her heart and cause destruction at every turn. A man like that has no conscience. A man like that has no thought for anyone or anything but himself. Heaven help him. Heaven, open up his eyes to see the darkness of who he is and what he does to vulnerable women who just desire to be loved and cherished like all women do. The tears -the thousands of tears on my pillowcase, and my knees that were sore from kneeling in prayer for a marriage that didn't even exist. Heaven deal with him. I just hope he doesn't hurt another one. I almost gave up my life because of him. Carrie Underwood has it right when she sings the song- Cowboy Casanova:

You better take it from me,

That boy is like a disease

You’re running, you’re tired, you’re trying to hide

And you’re wondering why you can’t get free

He’s like a curse he’s like a drug.

You get addicted to his love.

You wanna get out but he’s holding you down ‘Cause you can’t live without one more touch.

Chorus:

He’s a good time cowboy Casanova; leaning up against the record machine

He looks like a cool drink of water but he’s candy coated misery

He’s the devil in disguise, a snake with blue eyes and he only comes out at night

Gives you feelings that you don’t wanna fight

You better run for your life

I see that look on your face, you ain’t hearing what I say

So I’ll say it again ‘cause I’ve been where you’ve been and I know how it ends, you can’t get away

Don’t even look in his eyes, he’ll tell you nothing but lies

And you wanna believe, but you won’t be deceived if you listen to me and take my advice

Chorus:

He’s a good time cowboy Casanova; leaning up against the record machine

He looks like a cool drink of water but he’s candy coated misery

He’s the devil in disguise, a snake with blue eyes and he only comes out at night

Gives you feelings that you don’t wanna fight

You better run for your life

Run, run, run away don’t let him mess with your mind

He’ll tell you anything you wanna hear

He’ll break your heart it’s just a matter of time

But just remember-

Chorus:

He’s a good time cowboy Casanova leaning up against the record machine

He looks like a cool drink of water but he’s candy coated misery

He’s the devil in disguise, a snake with blue eyes and he only comes out at night

Gives you feelings that you don’t wanna fight

You better run for your life

Oh you better run for your life,

Oh you better run for your life.

Thank God I found out the truth. Here I was a "free" bird and never even knew it. May I fly high and soar above all this, the cage that kept me a prisoner. I am free! Now every time I start to feel like I miss him, I'll just remind myself that it wasn't real. His love, his words, his touch, his conversations -they were all lies. You can't really love a lie now, can you?

The Ramblings Of A Woman's Heart

I woke up with a kaleidoscope of thoughts and feelings and epiphanies this morning. My heart is always evolving...swelling with new treasures and insights that I am constantly absorbing. May I never be boring, because the layers of my heart are long and deep. Someone just needs to dive in and search them out.
I have found that if someone loves you, they just do. There is no earning, no begging, no twisting an arm. They will love you regardless of what you do or say. I have found that when love is in my heart, it sticks -it stays. No matter what life's problems throw my way. Love follows you like an eager puppy dog nipping at your heels. Love doesn't forget. Its imprint is on the heart forever. When you have truly loved someone, it also aches when they're gone. The absence of a soul mate (your other half) also causes us to cry in the moments when we realize they're not here to share in it. Love has a memory like an elephant. It just doesn't forget no matter how hard you try to erase it. You can keep busy and distract yourself, but it inevitably creeps up at the oddest times and moments, and haunts you when you least expect it.
Love is also so amazing, so mysterious (and a bit of confusing too). Wouldn't it be so great if men and women knew what each other wanted or needed? From a female view, this is what we really want: A woman loves to feel alive and be savored. She loves to feel she is your world, and she loves to make your world a brighter place. It's easy for a woman to adore you when she feels safe, cherished and secure. We are wired this way. Do you want to know if a woman loves you? Look at her eyes. Do they dance or sparkle when she sees your face? Does she touch you slowly and meaningfully? A woman's eyes can tell you what is in her heart. Her sparkle and glow may have diminished or faded if she doesn't feel loved or secure. If you've stopped looking at her then maybe you should start to again. We know if you look at us or not. Your words can cruelly fall empty to our ears if you don't take time to really look at us. Do you miss the moments of crazy romantic notions, dancing in the street, or burning passionate kisses? Look at us and take the time to go past the everyday surface things. We're more than the pile of dirty dishes or a burnt dinner. We're more than the 6 lbs we gained during the winter, or the complaints and mood swings we can't seem to help, but let out during our hormone fluctuations.
A man who traces our tears with his fingers and holds us as long as it takes for the tears to dry, knows the secret of how to fuel the fire. WE don't really care if you're perfect. In fact, we admire the man who can admit he is weak and has failures. What makes us love you more is how you love us. If you know how to really cherish us -savor, enjoy and appreciate the little things about us and what we do, we will respond. Most women will not leave a man who cherishes her. Give her security and you have found the jackpot. One way is: Love her body and let her know often. Yes, often. We need to be told we're beautiful and sexy and are what you dream of. We don't tire of hearing it, and we know you mean it by your actions. Sometimes the most mundane little thing you do will mean the world to us, just because you simply remembered. A woman will completely open up and be an amazing lover if she feels you want her and only her and you make her feel beautiful. We will let go of our insecurities and grab hold of the moment if we feel secure and that we're enough for you. Take the time. Great moments take time. Is what you want valuable? Then show us -show us we're valuable to you. So simple, but so often not given. Do you want to make us feel important to you? Then show your support and interest in our dreams and pursuits. Show us you desire to make what's important to us important to you, even if it's of little interest to you. Notice that we will gladly play boring golf or some video game if we know it makes you happy. Allow us to make mistakes and not always be perfect. Forgive us when we accidentally disappoint you or let you down. Love forgives and keeps no record of wrongs. No one is perfect. Don't point out our flaws, we already know them. We beat ourselves up for them. Instead, appreciate our good qualities and what we do right.
A woman's heart can be exciting to discover, but you have to be willing to experience the adventure. You haven't danced in a while? Maybe you haven't heard the music of our hearts...listen to the beat.

My love is like a blanket.

My mind tells me many things, but my heart tells me differently. I just don't trust my mind or heart, because I have just been too hurt. Heaven help me.

This line from a song struck me...

My love is like a blanket

that gets a little bit too warm sometimes

I wanna wrap somebody in it

Who can hold me in his arms

'Cause when it got a little too hot in there

He was always stepping out for air and he froze

Oh he froze....(apologies)

I saw these lyrics and thought, "It's so ironic, because the words seem to fit my life. I seem to love like a blanket. Maybe I love so much I just smother, when all I really want is to love and be loved. So simple, but so difficult for me.

Mind and heart

It's been a while since I have written anything. Mostly because I just didn't want to face what I feel in my heart. Numbness would be so much easier. Make me numb and let me coast on by. It's been a long battle of praying, crying and trying to forget everything, but the insidious problem I have is that I have discovered that the heart has it's own memory -even more so than the tedious mind. I can tell it not to care or love, but it just won't relent...won't stop nagging me of the future. Have you ever been to your future before it was time? It can be frustrating to know what's ahead, It's like being a child on Christmas morning. You know the joy that's coming in the light of dawn. If we could just get past this dark patch...This confusing foggy night that's been so long. Why are we wandering so long? Why can't the mist lift and tears be wiped away for good? Why more tears? I turn around and he's not there...he's not there, and why? Why does the scent of him linger in the air at a time when I'm trying so hard to forget and let go like he has. I'm just a faded memory. Tick tock...there's an angel on my shoulder, and it's haunting me tonight. No matter where existence takes me, I'm always reminded of the emptiness of his absence, him not being there beside me.
He is gone, so why won't my mind stop harassing me? Why can't this heart forget? There are times I know that he's not okay. I feel it, sense it. My heart aches because I can't comfort his restlessness or rub my fingers through his hair and soothe his fears, but the reality is, he doesn't want me to be there for him.
Holidays...ugh. It's so hard when you see yourself without your loved one during beautiful moments. You turn, expecting them to be there, but all you see is an empty space beside you, all you hear is silence, and a harsh cold reality overtakes you that they aren't there with you to share life's adventures. Maybe since my heart has the memory of an elephant I should exchange it. Can I have a new one? This one seems to be flawed.

You Are A Precious Treasure

God loves you. No matter what your husband or any other man says to you, you are valued. You are treasured, you are God's precious gem and the apple of His eye. Your value is not based on a man's approval, but on the very fact that God made you unique and just the way you are. He cares about your pain and heartache. He collects your tears in His bottle and records each and every one of them. He loves you so much that while you are sleeping He strokes your head and He knows exactly how many hairs are on it. I know you may feel a mess right now- tired, broken, and scared, but He promises that He is with you and He will never leave you. He will take your wounded heart and bind it up in His love and heal it. It will take time, but let Him. If you trust Him, He will take the ashes of your disappointments and pain and He will turn them into a pile of His treasures and make you shine again. Let Him kiss your tears away. It's going to be ok. You are worth infinitely more than all the diamonds and rubies in the entire world!

Now Is The Time (A Spontaneous Song)

Now is the time

Time for rejoicing

Time for the sorrows and pain to fade away

All that is left is His radiant beauty

Shining down upon your face

All that was promised has come to pass

The tears that are falling

Are of gladness and joy

Now is the time

Now is the season

of nothing wanting or lacking

Time to be dancing

Twirling around in His favor and grace

Now is the time

the weight you were carrying

Has been lifted with His peace

Now is the time

to forget what is old

as now has come the new

Take off your garments of sadness

and wear new robes of Joy

You eat at the King's table

There is new wine and new oil

Your enemies are defeated

Those who spoke against you

now have to bless your name

Now is the time the season has changed

What was is no more

All that you have is new

and better than before

Now is the time

Time to sing a new song

Time to bless and give

to others and help them along the way

Time to be in the King's chamber

being close and dancing with Him

He kisses your forehead

and places a ring on your hand

You are His

Now is the time

for the golden rain to be falling

the season has changed

Rejoice and dance in it

It's falling-

the golden rain is falling

His grace and favor are falling

Soak it all in

Now is the time

the tears of sorrow and pain

are but a distant memory

What was against you

is now defeated

What was lost is now being found

What was stolen

is now being returned

better and paid double

The things held over you

Are now being cancelled

Your debts are cleared away

This is your time

this is your season

All that was promised has come your way

Liquid Golden Rain

Liquid Gold, Rain Down:

Our tears have been many, falling in a our secret place where we meet with You. They soaked upon our pillows, they fell at our feet. They fell when we could barely whisper Your name, Jesus. They fell silent in the shower as the water rushed over the weariness of the day. They fell down when we gave up in surrender, but these tears were not forgotten to your memory, Sovereign Lord, for Your memory is eternal, and You have captured them in Your bottles -each and every single one. They are like jewels. They have been kept in your sacred pavilion, and just as the melted snows of the mountains fall into the rivers, lakes and streams and evaporate into the heavens, returning as rains to nourish the flowers and the fields, so are these tears we've cried. They fall down as liquid golden rain, Your sweet presence, Your double Grace, Your intoxicating perfumed oil, Your golden iridescent lights glimmer off your daughters' faces and, oh, do we rejoice and dance in the rain: the former and the latter rains of Your glory and honor and strength! Our hands are lifted to You. Our faces glow in the rain of Your favor. Your golden rain soaks us until nothing but You is seen or heard. We twirl and dance and leap in liquid light of Your freedom, for Your promise has been that mourning will last for the night, but your joy comes in the morning. Your liquid rain washes away the traces of yesterday's pains and disappointments. Heaven's rains turn into floods of His living waters. We swim in this golden sea. We are drowned and captivated and swept away of His love.