Truckin Along

I came home from my camping trip feeling frustrated that his old truck was still parked in my driveway. It's been months since he left me and the kids, and every day it pains me to see it. I keep thinking he will be there -that he's upstairs in my room or about to greet me at the door. I have no understanding as to why he won't come to pick it up, except to just be unkind and rub more salt into the wounds he's already caused. Why does one do such things to another human being? Others tell me to just have it towed it away, but I feel like it shouldn't be my responsibility. Also, the fact is that I don't need the extra finiancial burden now that I already deal with being a single mom.

One night a while back, I realized his truck was unlocked and so I slid into the drivers seat. It seemed so dark and lonely as I was laying my hands on the steering wheel and crying. Why? Why? Why Lord? Poppa, why? The night surrounded...engulfed me in the cab. After praying I suddenly remembered a very vivid real dream I had last year of being in a truck and seeing the windshield covered in rain droplets. I was told they were my tears, and then Poppa God wiped them away so I could see where I was going -to my future. I tried to look back through the rear window, but saw nothing but darkness. We kept moving forward....forward to a beautiful future.

The moonlight casted shadows around me as I sat in his seat. This is the truck where we kissed and went places together. I wonder if he remembers my laughter, or the sunshine beaming on my blond hair...my feet up on the dashboard. I wonder if he wishes I would rub my fingers through his hair again while he is driving. I'm really weary of the "what ifs".

I looked up in the cab, and in the moonlight saw the sticker I had given him when we had first started dating: "Believe". The word stared at me. Why couldn't he believe in us, in Poppa God, in my kids, and all that was good in his life? He always just seemed to look at the negatives instead of the positives.

I know I'm going to have to contact him again. I don't really want to, but I have no choice. I'm moving on and seeing new people and going to new places. Poppa is pushing me forward and reminding me that I am lovable, I am worthy to be respected and treated special. Last night I had a dream that he was getting a job. I hope that happens for him. Maybe he then will get himself together. He really was a fool to leave. He had a warm loving wife, kids, and a home. He was surrounded by love. I guess love isn't something worth keeping to some people. To me, love is everything. All the money, things, and status in the world can't compare to Poppa's love and family.

Trucks (it's so ironic, because I love big, shiny trucks). I guess that down the road it will be time for a shiny new one, but love doesn't go away over night.

Rocks

Yesterday the feelings of deep grief were intense. I was trying to let go of the one I love so much. I called my momma and she prayed with me. I once again went for a walk and ended up at the river, at the park where we had our first kiss. It pained me standing in the spot where that kiss was, but it brought comfort at the same time. It was a bright sunny day and pretty hot, so I ended up on the riverbank wading into the water. The water felt cool and refreshing. I started throwing rocks. I found a big rock that was such a perfect invitation for me to sit and talk to Poppa God. I believe He placed it there just for me. I sat there and cried, letting my feet soak in the cool water. Me and Poppa have this thing- I write words. My cares and my concerns on rocks and then throw them into the ocean. I am always reminded that POPPA GOD is so much bigger than me and my trifle problems as I release them and throw them into the sea. Sweet surrender begins to happen, so I began to throw rocks, praying over each one....one by one. Hearing the sound of plop each time they landed into the river. I didn't have a sharpie to write the words, but I named them as I threw them to Poppa. My fears, my broken heart, my husband...the one I love, the hurts, the disappointments, the judgements and criticisms from others, the anger, the betrayals -even the woman who stole him from me once and who continues to try...forgiveness, letting go...surrender, letting go of the thoughts, my self esteem that's been damaged. Please take it all. Take the rest, You can have it all. As I was listening to worship music and praying, I lifted my hands unto the surrender that I needed.

Jesus Christ is the Rock...the eternal sure foundation, my resting place, my place of worship, my altar.

Psalm 61:2
From the ends of the earth I call to You, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

Psalm 31:3
Since You are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of Your name, lead and guide me.

Thank You, Lord that I can call on You.That I have a safe place to stand upon when the waves come crashing around me.

All that is lost will be found in You

MY Prayer:

Heal our hearts. Mend our lives. Capture us again. Keep us from running from you. Captivate any thoughts that are not of You. Let forgiveness win. Pull bitterness out by the root. Sow in seeds of everything that is good and of You. Quench our thirst with only You. Nothing else...no one else, nor any other thing will do. Feed our souls with Your bread. Let our voices speak only what is kind. May we sing. We will shout Your praise every time. What's been cut, what's been two-sided...bring us back to you as "one" and undivided. Bring "us" back to You. All that was lost is and will be found in You. Amen.

Walks With Poppa

I love the smell of a summer night's air, the tantalizing mixture of blackberries, juniper, and roses that mingle for me as I pass them by. I'm so thankful for the road I live on. It's long and peaceful and has massive tall pine trees and cute adorable houses with picture perfect flowers of every kind. This road has been my friend. Me and Poppa God have talks on this road. I listen to worship music, I cry, I talk, daydream, analyze and sort through the muck of my emotions. Each footstep seems to lead me toward healing. I walk almost daily now for at least an hour or more. Sometimes I never want to stop, but to just keep going, going, going -far away from the agonizing pain and this inevitable heartache. Where's the off switch? Sometimes I get startled and honked at from the peculiar gawking guys. I really don't understand why they find it necessary to frighten a woman by hooting and hollering out a car window. Oh well.

I miss him -miss my beloved husband so much. We used to walk on this road together...holding hands and talking about the future. Our future. The plans Poppa God had for us. I miss the man who loved me and would stop and protect me from passing cars. He made feel safe and cherished during those times. Where did he go? How does love just disappear so quickly? I blame his illness. His crazy mind. His moods and depression, but sometimes I have this fear...these thoughts that maybe it was me. Maybe I really wasn't good enough to keep his heart captivated.
I try so hard to forget the love I have for him. He's hurt me too deeply. I'm bothered that He just wouldn't see my love as valuable. Why? Poppa, Why? My kids and I were like bright shiny stars in the sky, but he just wouldn't look up at us. I wish that night didn't happen -when he walked out the door....walked out on us, turned his back on his family. What makes a man just leave and forget all that is precious? What makes a man leave all that is good: family, love, faith? I wasn't perfect. He got annoyed that I would say "I love you" so much, but I always wanted him to feel secure -to never doubt that he was loved or valued. I know I tried with every breath I took. My vow to him was that I would always try to bring him good every day of his life. The problem was, he didn't value himself or the life Poppa gave him. I still have torments from the night he tried to kill himself. Those images I can't get out of my brain.

So I walk. I walk and talk with Poppa. I tell Him to take me back to heaven, to the place where he healed me the first time my husband broke my heart -the place of no hurts and pure love and peace. "Poppa, take me back...I want to go back. I don't want to feel this anymore." Maybe some night in my dreams, He will take me there again.

Music, the night air and streaks of beautiful pink sky...The promise of a better day to come.
My skin is golden tan and my hair is blonder than ever from the hours of walking Ive done these past weeks. I look like a california girl..lol. Still dusk is my favorite..When the air is muggy and sweet smelling and there's a slight breeze. For years me and Poppa have had this thing between us..Whenever I see the wind blowing on my walks I know it's Him saying hello to me. The tops of the trees swaying..The sounds of the leaves rustling and dancing....His wind blowing across my face. I even taught my kids this when they were little. I still recall when my daughter was 5 or 6- Hearing her say as she was on the swing in our backyard, "Hello,Jesus". It took my breath away seeing those words from her tiny voice. :)

I can hear Poppa say to me, "Do not fear,baby girl. I am with you. I will never leave you or forsake you. Trust me. It will all be ok".

I love you, Poppa God. <3 a="" break="" class="separator" div="" feet="" from="" my="" near="" of="" one="" river="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;" taking="" the="" walks="" y="">

Love Letters

I read a few letters we sent back and forth to each other...why can't couples remember the reasons why they were brought together in the first place?

He once asked me:
How and why do you love me so deeply and completely???

November 4, 2010 Jenny Russell
Dear Jacob,

I know words are very important to you, so I choose what I say carefully. I am sorry that you feel confused. Honey, perfect love casts out all fear. God has not given you a spirit of fear..BUT OF POWER, LOVE and A SOUND MIND.

I love you because I'm your Rachel -the one that Poppa promised you when you were taking a shower long ago. The one you and Poppa chuckled about because you could not believe. I Don't say that with arrogance, but with confidence, because I know who I am in Christ Jesus. I know what I'm called to. I'm anointed to be your wife. If you question this, ask Poppa. Remember, every good and perfect gift comes from above. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I was fashioned and created perfectly to fit my heart with yours, my hand to be in yours, to fit my head upon your chest. To walk IN ALL THAT POPPA HAS PURPOSED AND PROMISED US. I'm called to sing with you, to minister with you, to have a baby with you, to touch lives greatly for the kingdom of God, to help the homeless, the broken, and the abandoned, to walk and move in the prophetic and speak words of life over the wounded. We're to travel and go many places. I've been to your future, I am in your future. I was taken to the heavenlies with Poppa. Can you handle this all? Not only that, but the little things. I love your smile. I love your rugged hands. I love your scent. My lips crave your neck. Charm wants lucky so badly. I love our glasses of vino together. I love that you protect me. I love the way you love my babies, they love you too. I love the way you sleep. I love that you love cheese and garlic. I love your music...your worship. I love your heart. I love the way you love Poppa and you inspire me to love Him more. It drives me nuts at times that when I worship our king... I asked poppa about this in heaven and he told me why ... its because we are one. We worship in spirit and in truth.

November 4, 2010 Jenny Russell
should I go on? Can you handle this? I love you for who you are now. I see past all the crud and circumstances that have held you back. I love you for the man you are going to be, because Poppa showed me who you are through his eyes. You're amazing. You shine, and you're mine. You're mine, not Leah's, not her's...mine. You broke me into a million pieces and my heart bled with shards of glass, and even though you slayed me, I still loved you because Poppa put an eternal love for you in my heart. I can't explain it, the love I have for you, it just is!!! I was in a heavenly realm talking to Poppa about you... You are my one true love. Is this not enough for you?


November 6, 2010 Sent from a Phone -Darrell K Russell:
Your cheeziness is something I really miss

November 6, 2010 -Jenny Russell:
what else do u miss about me? I kinda need to know :)

November 6, 2010Sent from a Phone -Darrell K Russell:
I miss your smile, your laugh, the way you can't help but blush every time I look in your eyes, I miss that you can't be away from me for more than 30 seconds, I miss you texting and calling, I miss your oddball sense of humor, I miss your soft kiss, I miss your scent, I miss feeling you in my arms, I miss rubbing each other down with tiger balm because we're the only 2 people on earth who love the scent, I miss reading and discussing Poppa and His Word, I miss praying with you, I miss worshiping Poppa with you... I miss everything about you

November 6, 2010 -Jenny Russell:
i really miss talking about Poppa w u too...and your prayers and back rubs and u talking to our kittys...i miss giving u a spoon w your dinner... vino is not the same w out u...i miss u playing the guitar...i love your music...it makes me want u so bad....also your arms...miss holding ur hand at church and resting my hand on ur thigh....