Sunday, August 26, 2012

Reflecting back (God Was Here The Whole Time)

I was reading over some of my old writings and came across this one. So much has happened since that day. I remember how broken and raw I was back then, after my husband of nearly 13 years walked out on God and me. I have come a long way. Poppa God has done so much heart surgery on me. Reading this old post reminds me of His faithfulness and the strength He has been to me all this time. I'm no longer heartbroken. I no longer feel the need to have the attention of any man. Instead, I feel contentment. I feel humbled and honored and happy to be helping others on their journeys of healing as well. As I surrendered my heart's desires on the altar, He placed an all consuming passion to encourage wives daily; to stand in the gap in prayer for them, and to share the wisdom and treasures I have gathered along the way. His love for marriage has been a blazing fire in my heart. God has been so good to me even through the thousands of tears I've shed. He is faithful. Now our ministry is growing, marriages are being healed, lives are being transformed, and all I can say is to God be the glory and oh, how all this pain and suffering has been worth it in the end. I can't wait to share my entire story -to encourage other women and let them know that God is in control and that He makes everything beautiful in His timing -even the ashes of our lives, the mistakes we make, and the struggles we've endured. Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. 

September 24 2010 "ME" by Jenny Williams:  I am.. silly, funny, loving, creative, sweet, passionate. I want.. to make a positive difference in people's lives, to love and be loved, to live the potential God has created in me. I have.. the best friends, the most incredible family, and a God who never fails. I wish.. that I didn't have to go through this season of my life. I hate.. judgmental people, disappointing someone, selfishness, seeing children abused or neglected. I fear.. not being able to accomplish what I was meant to do, being rejected again. I hear.. the sound of country music in my head. I search.. for the answers to my "whys", but know I won't get them. I wonder.. if God really has a plan for me in all of this. I wonder about the "what ifs". I regret.. I choose to not regret, but to learn life's lesson from this journey I'm on. I love.. my beautiful kids, my true friends, my family, and My Lord and Savior. I ache.. to be held, to be comforted, for this pain to go away. I ache for brighter days. I ache for someone I love. I always.. choose God. I may mess up, I may stumble, I may get lost sometimes -I'll never be perfect, but I'll always belong to God. I usually.. notice the little things: sights, smells, sounds, textures... I experience everything. I am not.. I may be broken and hurt right now, BUT I'M NOT DESTROYED, and I will be stronger and better than before. I dance.. in the rain, when snow flakes are falling, in my living room with my babies. I sing.. in the shower, to my kids, to the ones I love, in the car, silly and out of I never.. want to be hurt again like this. I rarely.. refuse to help someone who is hurting or needs encouragement. I cry.. a lot lately -morning, noon, and night, but it's getting better. I never thought a human could have so many tears. I am not always.. going to hurt like this. It will get better. I lose.. my self confidence when I place it in other people's hands, may I never do that again! I've discovered something in all of this: I like myself -I love myself -I like who I am; my quirky personality, my curvy body, I like myself the way I am. If I'm not good enough for a man than too bad for him. I'm confused.. as to why he doesn't love me anymore. I need.. to keep moving, keep living, keep loving, keep trusting God. I can do this. I should.. be thankful for every blessing, every prayer, every blissful moment, because in a moment it can all be lost or taken away. I dream.. of seeing my dreams fulfilled, brokenness turned whole, with love and laughter.

No comments:

Post a Comment