Thursday, July 26, 2012

Being God's Daughter

Being Poppa God's daughter doesn't change, even if we feel like we have totally blown it. Sometimes we feel like we're too much of a mess for God to love us, and we even begin to think no one else can love us either, especially if they really knew us. Going through much pain from my past abuse and abandonment, I know what I'm talking about. Growing up, I had a Dad who didn't pay much attention to me. I would have been a great Daddy's girl. It's just in me. I sometimes fill up with envy when I see young girls with their Dads. Why couldn't I have had that? Mine was there growing up, but not really there emotionally. I didn't get kisses and hugs good night. I didn't get tucked in bed by my Dad. He really didn't participate in my every day life. He was absent from birthday parties and milestones. Always longing for love and affection from my Dad, I tended to attract the wrong attention from the opposite sex. Because of this, I experienced abuse of every kind. I would always settle for less, just hoping to be loved. I didn't sleep around, but I did end up in relationships with unhealthy guys. Being abused mentally and physically. I even ended up marrying at the young age of 18 and living a nightmarish hell-on-earth experience being beaten, choked, fighting over a loaded gun, and my life being threatened. Those images have faded and barely seem real to me anymore, because I did survive and overcome. God was gracious and merciful. He brought me out to the other side. But even after deciding in my heart that I would never allow a man to hit me or to raise a hand to me again, I still would still accept a false love from other men. I traded physical abuse for being mentally and emotionally abused. The pattern would repeat itself, and for some reason, no matter much love I would pour out for the one I loved, I would be abandoned over and over again. I felt like a lost, scared little girl that so badly wanted her Daddy to love her. I let men degrade me and ruin my self confidence and esteem. I felt the pain of criticism when my second husband of thirteen years walked out on me. People at church judged me. I felt dirty, ashamed and embarrassed. I felt not good enough for anyone and wondering if I just plainly deserved to not be loved. At times I think my punishments to myself were worse than any physical blow to my body. Bruises heal up, words are are harder to overcome. Like stubborn permanent scars or tattoos. In all of this, I just wanted and craved to be loved. It's been a long journey of healing. A little at a time...many an onion. I still at times feel a pain in my heart wishing I could be a Daddy's girl, but I'm now relying on Poppa God to fill that role and hole in my heart. I write this to remind someone: anyone who feels ugly, broken, stained, useless, or abandoned. Even if you gave yourself away to another hoping to be loved. Even if you compromised your boundaries, received the wrong attention from a guy, either willingly or unwillingly, you are still loved. You are still precious. You are still God's daughter and He sees His righteousness in you. He doesn't see your robe or dress as dark, dingy, or tattered. He sees His love and grace as your clothing. Don't let the enemy lie to you. Don't let guilt and shame strip you of being confident in who you are. You are beautiful. You are SO worthy of being loved. And nothing...nothing can separate you from being loved by your Poppa God.

  Psalm 34:5 Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame."  Jeremiah 31:3 "The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: 'I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.'"  Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Isaiah 61:10 "I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels."

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