Monday, April 8, 2013

She Loved Me Like Jesus Does

There's a song that came out this past year. I am a country music fan and I enjoy the stories that these songs tell. Lately, this particular song has been reminding me deeply in my heart of the love I had for the one who broke me in two. It seems so long ago -like a very distant memory. As this song was playing in the car on the radio I felt an ironic moment of epiphany...Wow, Poppa -that's exactly how I loved him.  He was what you would consider a "bad boy". He has a past and a trail of mistakes, drama, and broken hearts, and I was one of them. He's rough around the edges, kind of scruffy and not one for the highest hygiene award ...but I loved him. I called him "Tramp" and he called me "Lady" -from the Disney movie. It described us perfectly. I am a girly girl -sweet smelling and enjoy being clothed in heels and dresses.
The country song blared out these surreal lyrics:

I always thought she'd give up on me one day. 
Wash her hands of me leave me staring down some runway. 
But I thank God each night and twice on Sunday 
That she loves me like Jesus does.

All the crazy in my dreams, 
Both my broken wings, 
Every single piece of everything I am. 
She knows the man I ain't, 
She forgives me when I can't. 
That devil, man, he don't stand a chance.
She loves me like Jesus does."
She loves me like Jesus does...
  I don't fully understand why Poppa God allowed me to meet this broken, messed up man; to fall so in love, so deeply in love with someone who would not value or cherish the unconditional love I would give him, but our paths crossed at church one day. I never have loved any man the way I did him. His guitar, his rugged hands, and his quirky humor -deep conversations of spiritual things and our cheesy, almost delirious love words we would say to each other. I inevitably would hang on to the good I saw in him, even with all his hang ups and addictions. I could see the potential in him and sought to bring this goodness out of him. I was a fool. I was crazy in love -that's just it..Crazy. No smart woman would put up with crap like that. Love should never hurt that badly. One of his hang ups was a woman who was already married. He left me for her one day -left my world crushed into pieces, and my kids' hearts hurting as well. No good can come out of that. Adultery on any terms is destruction. I thought he was insane to leave when we seemed so in love together. I was under an illusion, though, and maybe it was just a one sided kind of love. I never should have given him a second chance when he came back the first time, but I thought that showing love and grace to him would make him realize the truth and depth of my love for him, and then he would learn to value me and the kids. He was and still is a wanderer -one who likes to just come and go. If life gets hard he goes "Dodge", just like his beat up old truck. Sometimes I could swear he loved me too, but not enough -not enough to stay. Not enough to be faithful. Not enough to provide or care for me and the kids. Not enough to fight for a better existence. I got tired of tears -of spending days and nights on my knees praying for a breakthrough or miracle that would set him free of the spiritual chains and bondage. I sometimes wonder: did I waste my love on him, or will he someday realize (if he ever gets set free and delivered) that I was a good woman who showed him what real love is? I may never get the answer, but it's okay. I know I deserve someone who appreciates what I have to offer and doesn't take it for granted. I'm not a back pocket kind of woman. I'm a keep me close to your heart kind of gal, and I deserve the very best. Loving a bad boy won't make him change. If he's good, then he already will want to be a better man on his own. No love from a good woman is going to make a bad boy better. He has to be willing to do it on his own. She loved him like Jesus does....Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives  Copyright 2013
Song lyrics by Eric Church

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