Good bye, Lie

Today is New Year's Eve, and so it's fitting to write this at this moment. A few days before Christmas, I learned the harsh and painful truth that what I was in love with was a pure lie. His touch, his glance into my eyes, his empty promise to stay true to me forever -they were all lies. I think of our wedding day and the pain seems both real and surreal -knowing he never intended or meant the words "I Do". It was just part of the sick, twisted and cruel game he played. I was the fool who so lovingly and willingly played, and now know I was never the prize. I would never win. There would only ever be loss for me. What makes a man use a woman like that? I was his pawn ...his trade-in until the next woman came along. Our wedding night, him playing his guitar, him telling me I was beautiful in the soaking pools, his arms cradling me in the water -it was all a lie.
I never imagined that I would marry a con-man. That isn't exactly a girl's dream to one day marry someone who would break her heart and cause destruction at every turn. A man like that has no conscience. A man like that has no thought for anyone or anything but himself. Heaven help him. Heaven, open up his eyes to see the darkness of who he is and what he does to vulnerable women who just desire to be loved and cherished like all women do. The tears -the thousands of tears on my pillowcase, and my knees that were sore from kneeling in prayer for a marriage that didn't even exist. Heaven deal with him. I just hope he doesn't hurt another one. I almost gave up my life because of him. Carrie Underwood has it right when she sings the song- Cowboy Casanova:

You better take it from me,

That boy is like a disease

You’re running, you’re tired, you’re trying to hide

And you’re wondering why you can’t get free

He’s like a curse he’s like a drug.

You get addicted to his love.

You wanna get out but he’s holding you down ‘Cause you can’t live without one more touch.

Chorus:

He’s a good time cowboy Casanova; leaning up against the record machine

He looks like a cool drink of water but he’s candy coated misery

He’s the devil in disguise, a snake with blue eyes and he only comes out at night

Gives you feelings that you don’t wanna fight

You better run for your life

I see that look on your face, you ain’t hearing what I say

So I’ll say it again ‘cause I’ve been where you’ve been and I know how it ends, you can’t get away

Don’t even look in his eyes, he’ll tell you nothing but lies

And you wanna believe, but you won’t be deceived if you listen to me and take my advice

Chorus:

He’s a good time cowboy Casanova; leaning up against the record machine

He looks like a cool drink of water but he’s candy coated misery

He’s the devil in disguise, a snake with blue eyes and he only comes out at night

Gives you feelings that you don’t wanna fight

You better run for your life

Run, run, run away don’t let him mess with your mind

He’ll tell you anything you wanna hear

He’ll break your heart it’s just a matter of time

But just remember-

Chorus:

He’s a good time cowboy Casanova leaning up against the record machine

He looks like a cool drink of water but he’s candy coated misery

He’s the devil in disguise, a snake with blue eyes and he only comes out at night

Gives you feelings that you don’t wanna fight

You better run for your life

Oh you better run for your life,

Oh you better run for your life.

Thank God I found out the truth. Here I was a "free" bird and never even knew it. May I fly high and soar above all this, the cage that kept me a prisoner. I am free! Now every time I start to feel like I miss him, I'll just remind myself that it wasn't real. His love, his words, his touch, his conversations -they were all lies. You can't really love a lie now, can you?

The Ramblings Of A Woman's Heart

I woke up with a kaleidoscope of thoughts and feelings and epiphanies this morning. My heart is always evolving...swelling with new treasures and insights that I am constantly absorbing. May I never be boring, because the layers of my heart are long and deep. Someone just needs to dive in and search them out.
I have found that if someone loves you, they just do. There is no earning, no begging, no twisting an arm. They will love you regardless of what you do or say. I have found that when love is in my heart, it sticks -it stays. No matter what life's problems throw my way. Love follows you like an eager puppy dog nipping at your heels. Love doesn't forget. Its imprint is on the heart forever. When you have truly loved someone, it also aches when they're gone. The absence of a soul mate (your other half) also causes us to cry in the moments when we realize they're not here to share in it. Love has a memory like an elephant. It just doesn't forget no matter how hard you try to erase it. You can keep busy and distract yourself, but it inevitably creeps up at the oddest times and moments, and haunts you when you least expect it.
Love is also so amazing, so mysterious (and a bit of confusing too). Wouldn't it be so great if men and women knew what each other wanted or needed? From a female view, this is what we really want: A woman loves to feel alive and be savored. She loves to feel she is your world, and she loves to make your world a brighter place. It's easy for a woman to adore you when she feels safe, cherished and secure. We are wired this way. Do you want to know if a woman loves you? Look at her eyes. Do they dance or sparkle when she sees your face? Does she touch you slowly and meaningfully? A woman's eyes can tell you what is in her heart. Her sparkle and glow may have diminished or faded if she doesn't feel loved or secure. If you've stopped looking at her then maybe you should start to again. We know if you look at us or not. Your words can cruelly fall empty to our ears if you don't take time to really look at us. Do you miss the moments of crazy romantic notions, dancing in the street, or burning passionate kisses? Look at us and take the time to go past the everyday surface things. We're more than the pile of dirty dishes or a burnt dinner. We're more than the 6 lbs we gained during the winter, or the complaints and mood swings we can't seem to help, but let out during our hormone fluctuations.
A man who traces our tears with his fingers and holds us as long as it takes for the tears to dry, knows the secret of how to fuel the fire. WE don't really care if you're perfect. In fact, we admire the man who can admit he is weak and has failures. What makes us love you more is how you love us. If you know how to really cherish us -savor, enjoy and appreciate the little things about us and what we do, we will respond. Most women will not leave a man who cherishes her. Give her security and you have found the jackpot. One way is: Love her body and let her know often. Yes, often. We need to be told we're beautiful and sexy and are what you dream of. We don't tire of hearing it, and we know you mean it by your actions. Sometimes the most mundane little thing you do will mean the world to us, just because you simply remembered. A woman will completely open up and be an amazing lover if she feels you want her and only her and you make her feel beautiful. We will let go of our insecurities and grab hold of the moment if we feel secure and that we're enough for you. Take the time. Great moments take time. Is what you want valuable? Then show us -show us we're valuable to you. So simple, but so often not given. Do you want to make us feel important to you? Then show your support and interest in our dreams and pursuits. Show us you desire to make what's important to us important to you, even if it's of little interest to you. Notice that we will gladly play boring golf or some video game if we know it makes you happy. Allow us to make mistakes and not always be perfect. Forgive us when we accidentally disappoint you or let you down. Love forgives and keeps no record of wrongs. No one is perfect. Don't point out our flaws, we already know them. We beat ourselves up for them. Instead, appreciate our good qualities and what we do right.
A woman's heart can be exciting to discover, but you have to be willing to experience the adventure. You haven't danced in a while? Maybe you haven't heard the music of our hearts...listen to the beat.

My love is like a blanket.

My mind tells me many things, but my heart tells me differently. I just don't trust my mind or heart, because I have just been too hurt. Heaven help me.

This line from a song struck me...

My love is like a blanket

that gets a little bit too warm sometimes

I wanna wrap somebody in it

Who can hold me in his arms

'Cause when it got a little too hot in there

He was always stepping out for air and he froze

Oh he froze....(apologies)

I saw these lyrics and thought, "It's so ironic, because the words seem to fit my life. I seem to love like a blanket. Maybe I love so much I just smother, when all I really want is to love and be loved. So simple, but so difficult for me.