Hope Rising on the Horizon

Hebrews 11: 1

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."

I woke up this morning with a feeling something was finally changing, with the assurance that Poppa God has His hand moving upon the situation concerning my life and purpose. I have to admit, I honestly feel that for the past several weeks it has felt like I've been staggering and stumbling around completely in the dark,  not knowing what to do with this fragile and very tender-feeling heart of mine. My prayers have been,"Direct my heart, direct my desires and my will -my relationships. I don't trust my own, Poppa. Please cover me in your grace and protect me."

I haven't heard from my wayward husband in a long time, and I have wondered if he was dead or alive. I also wasn't sure which path to take anymore. So many of the wives have been faithfully and consistently praying and believing for their marriages to be restored, healed and made new. I honor them for their amazing courage and strength -persevering through the dark. Some not hearing from their beloveds for weeks, and some even months. What agony, because I know that for me, every day without him has been sheer agony, and I have shed rivers of tears and have even felt the earth beneath me become very heavy mud from my emotions and pain. It has been like thick sludge trying to forcefully keep myself moving forward, my legs of courage, weak with despair, trying to slow me down.
When I started this ministry I felt a huge commitment and responsibility that I must stand beside these wives and ferevently pray for their families to be touched, healed, and influenced by Poppa's amazing sweet love. I see the anointing of His fragrant, warm oil dripping and being poured out upon these brave women, their precious husbands and families. I see the hope and faith of happiness and beauty coming in the future for them -that even in this dark night of their soul, there is light -His LIGHT breaking through their forests of doubt and fears, abandonment and tears. Its branches are hellishly dark, and the shadows entangle, as though trying to grab you and pull you captive, away from belief, but these branches and shadows are just scary illusions. They are fears trying to convince us that things won't change, or that there's no hope. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. It's so incredibly and blatantly true, but there is HOPE. THERE IS TRUE LOVE. THERE IS FAITH.
( 1 Corinthians 13:13
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.)
The streaks of pink, red, orange and golden purple haze are and have been rising in the distance. I see the pure beauty of these beautiful women's hearts and their steadfast love for the ones who have hurt them, rejected them and abandoned them (some even in favor of another woman). I cry for them now. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I am writing this, because if only their husbands could see the selfless love and sacrifice  -pure love, true love, Agape love. No man in his right mind would want to escape this kind of love. Sadly, they are lost and blinded by their foolishness, pride, self doubt, and fears.
Colossians 1:5
the faith and love that spring from the hope stored up for you in heaven and about which you have already heard in the true message of the gospel.
1 Thessalonians 1:3
We remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.
1 Thessalonians 5:8
But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet.
I came across a song two days ago. The lyrics and tune have gripped me like a vice around my heart. Music has always been a way Poppa speaks with me. Music is truly my heartbeat. If I could sing every word I say, I probably would...lol.

When I say I Do:
Matthew West

There must be a God, I believe its true.
Cause I can see His love, when I look at you.
And he must have a plan for this crazy life.
Because He brought you here and placed you by my side.

chorus:
And I have never been so sure of anything before,
Like I am in this moment here with you
Now for better or for worse are so much more than only words
And I pray everyday will be the proof
That I mean what I say when I say 'I do'
Yeah I mean what I Say when I say 'I do'

You see these hands you hold, will always hold you up
When the strength you have just aint strong enough
And what tomorrow brings, only time will tell
But I will stand by you in sickness and in health

'Cause I have never been so sure of anything before
Like I am in this moment here with you
And now 'for better or for worse'
Are so much more than only words
And I pray every day will be the proof
That I mean what I say when I say 'I do'
Yeah I mean what I say when I say

Take my hand and take this ring
And know that I will always love you through anything.

And as the years march on like a beating heart
I will live these words 'til death do us part'

'Cause I have never been so sure of anything before
Like I am in this moment here with you
And now for better or for worse
Are so much more than only words
And I pray everyday will be the proof
That I mean what I say when I say 'I do'
Ya I mean what I say when I say 'I do'

This song has haunted me day and night. I wake up hearing this song, and I fall asleep with it in the back of my mind. I feel the answer I have been searching, seeking for a long time to somehow capture the answer. I can't say my husband will come back, or that he even loves me or wants me, but I do know that my future has this song for a reason. Every time it's played, my spirit is stirred to the point of faith. I honestly can say that I had run out of hope this past week. I told Poppa that I didn't have anymore hope or faith and that if HE wants to, He could put it back in my heart, but that I was done with my efforts, done with the heartache and the struggle, done with trying to be so strong for everyone else when I myself felt like I was sinking; sinking in darkness, sinking in hopelessness, sinking in my human efforts of trying to conjure up my own faith, hope and love, sinking in my desire for safety and security, sinking in the desperation of wanting to hear from Poppa and my husband, sinking in the wondering if he's dead or alive, sinking in the worries of what others think, sinking in my disappointments, sinking into the tiredness of this crazy struggle, sinking in my questions and desire for truth. How will I even survive this? I should have drowned by now. I felt myself being pulled with a current, and not having the power to stop mself from being swept away by it's undeniable strength. Let me tell you, it has felt so dark...so bleak, not knowing which direction I was going in.

I love my husband, I always will. Don't get me wrong. It's normal for someone who has committed their heart and life to another to feel this way. A good friend reminded me of this. Even though so many around me would say he doesn't deserve my love or that I should move on, I have resolved that even if we never get back together, I know for the rest of my life I will feel that I have to believe for him, believe in him and that he will get better. He will be healed. He will be set free from the torments of darkness, that blinding darkness which he doesn't want and wishes he could break free from. I've fought his demons before, just for short periods of time. No human should ever have to endure it on a daily basis, and he does. I guess I was the angel on this earth that believed in a purpose and a plan for him. It's not that I feel the need to rescue him, because I don't. I know there's no possible way for me to free him from this- ONLY POPPA CAN. I sometimes wonder if Poppa is just waiting for him to surrender and say,"I can't get out. Please free me!" I pray this day comes for him soon.
I know that he has music that needs to come out of him. I know that he has souls to influence. I know he makes imprints on others' lives wherever he goes, and someday it's going to be for good, not for heartaches, abandonment, grief and loss. He has a way with people and animals that makes you melt a million times over. Yeah, I know, I still love him, but I'm willing to let that love go just to be in Poppa's will. I know that whomever I am meant to be married to will be the right one. Not by my choosing, not by my power of changing someone's heart, but by Poppa's plan unfolding. All I know is, I mean what I say when I say I do. Just like the song.

This passage of scripture is pretty clear about FAITH:

Faith in Action:
1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. 2 This is what the ancients were commended for.
3 By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.

4 By faith Abel brought God a better offering than Cain did. By faith he was commended as righteous, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith Abel still speaks, even though he is dead.

5 By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death: “He could not be found, because God had taken him away.”[a] For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. 6 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

7 By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that is in keeping with faith.

8 By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. 9 By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. 10 For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God. 11 And by faith even Sarah, who was past childbearing age, was enabled to bear children because she[b] considered him faithful who had made the promise. 12 And so from this one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore.

13 All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. 14 People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. 15 If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.

17 By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had embraced the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, 18 even though God had said to him, “It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned.”[c] 19 Abraham reasoned that God could even raise the dead, and so in a manner of speaking he did receive Isaac back from death.

20 By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau in regard to their future.

21 By faith Jacob, when he was dying, blessed each of Joseph’s sons, and worshiped as he leaned on the top of his staff.

22 By faith Joseph, when his end was near, spoke about the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt and gave instructions concerning the burial of his bones.

23 By faith Moses’ parents hid him for three months after he was born, because they saw he was no ordinary child, and they were not afraid of the king’s edict.

24 By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. 25 He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. 26 He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. 27 By faith he left Egypt, not fearing the king’s anger; he persevered because he saw him who is invisible. 28 By faith he kept the Passover and the application of blood, so that the destroyer of the firstborn would not touch the firstborn of Israel.

29 By faith the people passed through the Red Sea as on dry land; but when the Egyptians tried to do so, they were drowned.

30 By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the army had marched around them for seven days.

31 By faith the prostitute Rahab, because she welcomed the spies, was not killed with those who were disobedient.[d]

32 And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson and Jephthah, about David and Samuel and the prophets, 33 who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, 34 quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. 35 Women received back their dead, raised to life again. There were others who were tortured, refusing to be released so that they might gain an even better resurrection. 36 Some faced jeers and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. 37 They were put to death by stoning;[e] they were sawed in two; they were killed by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— 38 the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, living in caves and in holes in the ground.

39 These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, 40 since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect. Hebrews 11:1-40

Providing A Safe Haven

Wives have the ability to provide a safe and pleasant haven for our spouses and children. God entrusted us with the power to set the tone and environment for our families. Proverbs 14:1 says,
"The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." Have you ever heard the saying, "If the wife ain't happy then no one is"? It's so true. Have you noticed when you have had a bad day and you remained grouchy, the kids and the husband started being in a foul mood too? Our words, our vocal tones and actions affect our homes and marriages. We set the stage. If there is strife, foul language, cupboard doors slamming, etc., this makes a home not a safe, relaxing place. If we're stomping around and pouting, grumbling and complaining the minute our husband walks in the door, he's honestly not going to want to come home to that. A home should be restful, a place of refreshing and rejuvenation, cozy, warm, and inviting. When I say this, I don't mean that we as wives can't have a bad day or that we can't ever express how we feel about situations, but we do have to be aware that our attitudes affect everyone around us. We are the queens of the castle, so to speak, so what we dish out is what's going to be on the table for our loved ones to take in.

Proverbs 31:25-28 talks about a godly wife and her influence on her family:
"She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her."

It's our very nature to have our homes be a nest. This is where we create a dwelling place for our families. We, as women, take pride in the way our decor and home looks like to others. We often feel it's a reflection of who we are as women. Why else do we spend so much time and money picking out the colors of paint for the walls and drapes, etc.? Just for that very reason, but if we aren't careful, all of our efforts are a waste. If there aren't peace and love in our homes, then it's meaningless. Proverbs 21:9 says, "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." Ain't that the truth?

When our man walks in the door from a hard day of work, he needs to feel he can catch his breath and get a break from the weariness and stresses. Yes, I know that you are thinking, "What about me? I work too. I work full time, chasing after little ones all day. I'm just as tired and exhausted. Don't I count?"

My answer to that would be...I know this sounds so "Leave It To Beaver" and old fashioned...but we do count. We are given the privilege to make it fabulous for our families. It's a valuable honor to be given such responsiblity. If you're tired, just try to remember to do a few small things. Your husband might not mention the changes, but I assure you he will notice and he will like it being more peaceful.

I'm not saying we have to be super woman, or that we have to spin around three times and have a 7 course meal on the table every night, or that we have to wear high heels or pearls and walk around giving our husband his pipe, newspaper and slippers at the end of the day. I have talked to other men and researched what they desire their homes to be like. Most would agree that they like things to be clutter free and peaceful.
As wives, we know it's inevitable that there will be messes (especially if we have little ones) and times when we need to catch up on housework, but if your home is always cluttered and in disarray, that's not good. The Bible mentions often about keeping our houses in order. Most people feel much more peaceful walking into a room that is clutter free and smells pleasant.

Some simple ideas to create an inviting environment are:
If the kids have been rowdy and fighting, play some worship or instrumental music. This helps subdue everyone. Light a few candles before the hubby walks in the door. Candles take only a few seconds to light and it makes a world of difference.

A warm smile from you hits the spot. If there's something serious you need to discuss, wait until he's had time to unwind from the day. There's always a right or wrong time to bring stuff up. It's definitely not when he just gotten home.
Try to keep clutter to a minimum. If you have noticed the rooms where your husband likes to hang out are being overcome by knick-knacks, collections, toys, etc., take a half day to remove the extras you don't really need. It's freeing and you will be able to chill more too. Keep the wall colors simple -most men are drawn to neutral tones. I hate to disappoint you, but your man does not like to be surrounded by pink, flowery fluff. It's not relaxing, he may not complain about it, because he loves you so much, but consider his feelings when choosing decor for your home, and let's be brutally honest...having to make love on a flower comforter with lace doesn't really inspire him either.

These are some things that can help make things a more pleasant place to be -and remember, creating a safe place to land and having your home be a haven begins with you. You are the heart of the home. :)

Ghosts

last night the air was hot and muggy. I was restless, and it seemed that memories were lingering, deciding to stick to me just like the humidity. A scent caught me by surprise in my room...his smell. I don't know where it came from, but it harassed me just enough to bring some unshed tears to the surface. Ones that must have been hidden from my progress of moving forward.

The smell wafted to my nose, beguiling me like a ghost that had walked into the room of my heart. I went and grabbed the sweat shirt of his that I stumbled upon a while back. It holds his scent so strongly. I knelt at the foot of my four poster victorian bed. The place where I met with Poppa so many times concerning our marriage. There in the darkness, only lit by the blare of the TV, I buried my face along with my hot flowing tears into that shirt. Why?
I wondered if he thought of me. I wondered if he ever regretted what he had done to me -to my heart and even my soul. I wished he felt torturous pain -the loneliness that his actions had caused. I wept and prayed hard and fervently, knowing other wives are feeling this anguish just as much as I, or even more. My thoughts have been wrestling with my heart, just as Jacob wrestled with the angel of God. I'm honestly not sure who won last night, but I had some release. These hidden tears had to come out. They always seem to find their way out at the most unexpected times.

I whispered in the darkness. "Poppa, I still love him, please take it away. If he's really never coming back, take it completely away, deliver me." I even felt oddly like I was seeking permission to love him. Was it safe to? After some time, I put the sweatshirt back where I found it. As tempted as I was to sleep with it, I chose not to. I refuse to go backward. I will move forward. I crawled into my bed and began to pray and interceed for the other women, the ones I have really come to love. Miles might keep us from seeing each other face to face, but it's their prayers, their tears, their posts and their words which have brought us close as dear sisters and friends, bound together by our similar paths and difficult journeys we have had to walk. "Please God, bring healing, bring hope, and answer the cries of their hearts."

Today in the shower I came to the place of realizing this heart of mine is still broken. I had a heart to heart with Poppa. I finally humbly admitted that no matter what I do in my own humanness and my own determined efforts, I can't heal my own brokenness. I guess I fooled myself into thinking I was healed. None of the smiles I carry on my face, no christian bumper sticker or cliche, no amount of holding it all together and being strong enough can make this pain disappear. It has become less and less, but it still shows up along with the memories -like haunting ghosts.
I appraoched Poppa and asked Him to deliver me from being broken. No other male affections, no human approvals, no new pair of shoes or any earthly riches, not even time can change this fact. Caring people say that time can heal all wounds -not necessarily true. This is the lesson I have learned. I've seen people who have been broken for years. Nothing can fill the gaping holes but Poppa. I have felt impatient, wishing this process to be hurried along. I've even pleaded, "Just take me back there, back to heaven, and heal me again like you did before." I find He seems to do things differently much of the time, whatever His reason. He is God and He is not figured out, but I'm pretty sure I heard His still quiet voice say, "Can you remain broken just a little longer?"
Why would He say that? Me be broken even more?? For longer?????

Out of this brokenness, I know there is beauty, that there is purpose, but it makes no earthly sense. It's strange and weird, and I'm sure others don't understand. They probably think I just want to stay this way just for attention or to remain a victim, but in my reality, I have come to the place that in my true brokenness, it is there that Poppa brings the best out of me; it's the fragrance of His love, humility and openness that He can work with. If it were not for my shattered state, I would not be reaching out to other human hearts in the capacity that this trial has allowed. The prayers and words of encouragement would not flow in this vast of a supply. It is not because of my endeavor or abilities, but because of Christ in me, making it all happen for His purpose.
So I surrender to His doings. I have to trust His timing. I know He won't leave me in this place forever. There will be complete healing, but it will be in His way and in His timing. In the meantime I need to remember and not forget. I have the promise from Him that He will make me better and more beautiful than before. That's our deal. Out of the ashes beauty will rise, so even though it feels so unfair (it's so confusing and heart wrenching at times), even though I miss the one who deserted me and left me shredded into pieces, I choose to move forward. There will be days of tears, but I do have the promise of better days to come.

Philippians 3:13
Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.

Freedom with Forgiveness

Poppa God can't bless us or Help us if we don't forgive. Forgiveness is required. It's not a feeling, it's a choice. We forgive because He first forgave us. Forgiveness leads to blessing. Forgiveness leads to growth and putting on the character of Jesus. Forgiveness honors Jesus for the ultimate sacrifice He gave to us when He died on the cross. It's saying "Thank You" for paying our penalty even though we didn't deserve it. If we don't forgive, I feel strongly that it's an insult and even a slap in the face to our God. We fool ourselves into thinking we won the situation with the person whom we have had conflict with. We often feel it's justified, that we should not give the pleasure of letting this human being who hurt us get away with what they have done. We feel deeply that if we don't forgive them that we are somehow punishing them, but I assure you, God has a better way of bringing vindication. He has a bigger perspective how things should be. All mankind reaps what they sow. Hurting people hurt others. Their selfish actions that are harmful, along with heart shredding words spoken against us, are often from a wounded soul who's been damaged. They're strangely numb to the pain of others around them. The hurting of those putting up walls of protection around themselves is an endless crazy cycle in which forgiveness has not been given an opportunity. Somehow, the enemy of our mind convinces us that if we let go of the offense, we have lost, that we are weak, that we must defend ourselves, but the solemn truth is that we cause ourselves to lose even more -so much more than the pain, more than the tears, more then the cutting words someone spoke against us. We lose our freedom. Forgiveness opens wide the door to love of humanity. Jesus says to turn the other cheek. I believe He meant in the face of insults. Let them go and move on. Extend grace, because we all know that we are indeed in need of this ourselves. Lack of forgiveness shuts us down into a single, small prisoner's cell. It becomes shackles on our heart, and weighs us down to our useless thoughts. It sucks away the energy of life that could so be used for something better, like loving, living, and laughing. Lack of forgiveness leads to bitterness, and bitterness truly is a death sentence. It poisons our minds, it drains love out of our relationships, marriages, friendships and even our intimate relationship with God. Its poison is also contagious -its vapors like a gas swirl around and hit others around us. Unkind words and gossip, slander against others' character and reputation are always a side effect of refusing to forgive. I read this saying once: "Lack of forgiveness is like a dead rat in the attic, it stinks up the whole house." So completely true! The lined up dominoes of consequences hit one another, crashing down one by one. Divorces, broken homes, dreams unfulfilled, churches split apart, societies with crime and government issues...these are all impacted and caused by the single act of not choosing to forgive another. Wow. Wow. Wow. Is what I say when I really think about it. That kind of responsibility, I would not want on my shoulders when I stand before my Lord someday, so I choose forgiveness. It might not be easy. I might not feel it when I make the choice. I may still feel the pain and hurt of the one who injured me. I may still walk through the heartache, but I know that with time those feelings will fade, and I will be walking with the peace having grown, having become stronger and more full of love, which will be my treasured and eternal reward.